Its extremely rare that I make two entries in the same day. I still have no time for thought, but boredom.

I don't know how to start this one entry. I'm just at a lost. It would seem that I have nothing to talk about, but contrary to the fact there is so much I want to say.

I wonder how it is for people to be happy with themselves. For me I guess its about saying what I want to say, doing what I want to do and feeling what I want to feel. Its all an idealistic free spirit kinda mentality is it not? No chains shall bind me but the limits of my imagination.

But then I don't have a chance to say what I want, because there are a lot of things I'm afraid of. Afraid of uncertainty, repercussions and a sharp backlash from the inappropriateness of my words. So much for freedom of speech, thought and the right to choose. So much for having a voice if I don't use it. I think I need time to think to myself before I say any more.

What happens when the voices in your head become so real that they crawl out of your mind, and plague you every moment of your life?

What then?

the white walls surround me,
and white spectres hold me back,
the straps that bind me to my bed,
resist my every strength to break free,
and my mouth feels dry,
my lips feel parched,
and my voice cannot cry for help,
with the prick of a needle,
the colours swirl to my head,
and I remember.

I remember pain and loneliness,
and wanted it to all go away,
with sprinkles of multicoloured shards,
that glisten in bright rainbow colours,
and though the bleeding inside stopped,
the hurt remains.

so as I lay my head down to rest,
it hurts so much to think,
but healing begins,
and though the pain swirls away,
the loving never stops.

Its unbelievable, I crashed an iMac. Yeah, supposedly a lot more stable than any Windows OS, and its supposed high processor speed and large RAM capacity, which I am pretty sure is a lot more than my old laptop. And the whole problem is that I did not run any large memory-intensive programmes on it like play 16 movies on it simultaneously, or multitask with WarCraft III and Unreal Tournament 2003, or like render a 800 megabyte picture. No no, my computer crashing skillz just rely on a few things, 1 Microsoft Internet Explorer, and five itchy fingers.

It is surprising that even pressing Alt + ` on an iMac really fast can really hang it, when switching between IE windows.

Come to think of it, I've been talking much about misfortune and lack of luck for the past two days. Its not because I'm just sitting around bitching about how something went wrong like 2 days ago. Its not because I've run out of things to write, after all its been nearly a year. Its not because I have having PMS. And yeah, for those who still don't know it, I don't suffer from PMS thankfully. And yes, I can be a male sexist chauvinistic pig at times, but only around arrogant, self-proclaimed and self-promoted feminists.

Just that misfortune comes in tidal waves and avalanches, so heck, I think I'd better weather the storm. Now what crap did recently happen? Lose a file full of important documents, a few deadlines creeping up on me again, a lethargic disease invading my brain, and the most recent of all, a backache.

The irony of it all, I'm not even 20. Nothing like a good backache to make you feel really really really REALLY old.

So much for a better yesterday. But something good did happen, just before the day ended.

Why doesn't my other blog publish??

Bad luck.

That's what I call it, bad luck. Sheer misfortune. When Lady Luck just happens to frown and the whole world looks bleak just because things which are out of your control don't happen the way they do. Well, it just has to happen when things just don't go your way. So it is with me since Thursday. Yeah, it doesn't rain, it only pours.

But I make my own luck. Today would be better.

I hope.

Honestly I am pretty much amused.

Though I am amused by many things, including stuff like people getting frustrated over simple technology. Its pretty amusing to see it, I just don't know why. Well I like to think of it as well, me, being all enlightened and all that, just unable to comprehend why it is so hard for another person to figure out how to get an iMac to work. You know, in a world dominated by PCs and Windows, well, people just find it hard to work other technology which is alien to them.

I am also greatly amused by some of their reactions to discover that there is only one mouse button for the iMac, and the commands that they usually use do not respond to them. And instead of fiddling around and getting more adept at using an iMac, they fumble around, only frustrating themselves, and they don't realise how to open up a new window in Internet Explorer. And well, its pretty simple enough. Provided one has a basic idea how computers work.

Yup, while I sit here, egotistically enlightened and all my power in wielding an iMac, there are people walking around, unable to get their computers to work. =) Yup, that is such a wonderful feeling. Damn, I'm good.

Ah well, its all over, everything that has built up throughout the year, has ended just only last week. I can only say so much. Yeah, my incoherence is probably nothing more than a lavish verbage. Bear with me with I crap a little more. Wait, never mind that, I'll tune into my mind a little later when I can find time.