By somewhat unpopular demand, the vote was 4-1 in favor of my old blog. Therefore I shall revert. Thank you for voting.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Somehow, I lost my name, and I am without name. I don't have a name. Seriously. I think this completely pisses me off now that I've lost my own name and I don't know what it is. Seriously, you take your name for granted until you don't have a name. This completely sucks.
Yeah, perhaps I shall go by Nameless One. Nah, even that's been taken already.
Yeah, perhaps I shall go by Nameless One. Nah, even that's been taken already.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Why do we hide behind pseudonyms? Why do we call ourselves identities which can be discarded at will, as though a complete person was eliminated and erased off the face of the world? Why do we see the need to not let others know our true name?
How important is our own identity? If we didn't have a name, how would we be different? Are names more than just markers? Do they tell a story? Do they hold power over us? If not, then why do we hide behind names? I question, and I can't answer. A name is a proud thing to hold. Hmm... I don't know. So far on my TagBoard, I wonder at the names, and wonder why is it so few people do use their own names and what they really have to hide.
How important is our own identity? If we didn't have a name, how would we be different? Are names more than just markers? Do they tell a story? Do they hold power over us? If not, then why do we hide behind names? I question, and I can't answer. A name is a proud thing to hold. Hmm... I don't know. So far on my TagBoard, I wonder at the names, and wonder why is it so few people do use their own names and what they really have to hide.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Tiger, tiger burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
Perhaps, I could come up with a long refutation on whether Ivan is a total moron or just a gibbering idiot. But then why bother? His words alone are proof enough. Enough with the hobbit and gunganese speech.
I have been neglecting WarCraft III and CS: Source for too long. Here now I lament where is my life??
At least I get to wake up at 3pm tomorrow.
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
Perhaps, I could come up with a long refutation on whether Ivan is a total moron or just a gibbering idiot. But then why bother? His words alone are proof enough. Enough with the hobbit and gunganese speech.
I have been neglecting WarCraft III and CS: Source for too long. Here now I lament where is my life??
At least I get to wake up at 3pm tomorrow.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
As the weekend winds down, I am glad perhaps there is something more that I've learnt at the end of it all. I've always wondered why I seek to understand people. Maybe it is because I love people. But wasn't there always that quote that went something like, "I love humanity. It's people that I can't stand."
The effort to understand is above all, an act of love. Because no one else would make the journey without love. Therefore, all journeys to understand must begin with one's own self. Where else does love begin? It is as futile as to expect other people to love you when you are incapable of loving yourself. Love is not like a New York Street, it goes both ways. So maybe it all begins with understanding yourself.
I was reading an essay by Joan Didion, which sparked this epiphany. The title of this essay is "On Self-Respect". Doesn't sound remarkable does it? It's part of her book, Slouching Towards Bethelehem. Weird title, but one with a lot of bearing and significance given the time taken to understand. But that aside, the essay brought up some points on self-respect, which I feel that most of us do not have at all. Not even in the slightest bit.
The hardest person to deceive is your own self. I've known from experience that it is almost impossible to deny yourself, all aspects of partial blindness and selective hearing are merely delayed senses which always catch up with you. Erick taught me that it was impossible to deceive himself; chanting "School is fun" a thousand times a day is a form of brainwashing and self-deception. It does not change reality. One must have self-respect and accept life the way it is.
Self-respect allows one to sleep at night. As Joan Didion puts it, "To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commision and omision, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness." Sins coming back to haunt us, ghostly sins shackling us to our past, guilt rooting us to inaction.
Character. The source of all self-respect. It is rare to see people with character these days, with any strong moral conviction and a sense of righteousness. When we decry that the world is a cruel place to live in, how is it that we never decry that our hearts is also a cruel place to live in? But without character, there is no self-respect, and with no self-respect there is no self-worth. Is it true that some of us are unworthy of anything, anyone?
What struck me most about Joan Didion's essay was this sole paragraph:
"To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out - since our self-image is untenable - their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist of imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Hellen Keller to anyone's Annie Sullivan: no expectation too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of diving and meeting the next demand made upon us."
I guess self-respect is one of those things that we need to live. Yet most of us live without it. How else can we stand with the fact that we are alive each day, the future unfolds infinite possibilities before us and not lose ourselves in the madness of the day?
The effort to understand is above all, an act of love. Because no one else would make the journey without love. Therefore, all journeys to understand must begin with one's own self. Where else does love begin? It is as futile as to expect other people to love you when you are incapable of loving yourself. Love is not like a New York Street, it goes both ways. So maybe it all begins with understanding yourself.
I was reading an essay by Joan Didion, which sparked this epiphany. The title of this essay is "On Self-Respect". Doesn't sound remarkable does it? It's part of her book, Slouching Towards Bethelehem. Weird title, but one with a lot of bearing and significance given the time taken to understand. But that aside, the essay brought up some points on self-respect, which I feel that most of us do not have at all. Not even in the slightest bit.
The hardest person to deceive is your own self. I've known from experience that it is almost impossible to deny yourself, all aspects of partial blindness and selective hearing are merely delayed senses which always catch up with you. Erick taught me that it was impossible to deceive himself; chanting "School is fun" a thousand times a day is a form of brainwashing and self-deception. It does not change reality. One must have self-respect and accept life the way it is.
Self-respect allows one to sleep at night. As Joan Didion puts it, "To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commision and omision, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness." Sins coming back to haunt us, ghostly sins shackling us to our past, guilt rooting us to inaction.
Character. The source of all self-respect. It is rare to see people with character these days, with any strong moral conviction and a sense of righteousness. When we decry that the world is a cruel place to live in, how is it that we never decry that our hearts is also a cruel place to live in? But without character, there is no self-respect, and with no self-respect there is no self-worth. Is it true that some of us are unworthy of anything, anyone?
What struck me most about Joan Didion's essay was this sole paragraph:
"To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out - since our self-image is untenable - their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist of imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Hellen Keller to anyone's Annie Sullivan: no expectation too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of diving and meeting the next demand made upon us."
I guess self-respect is one of those things that we need to live. Yet most of us live without it. How else can we stand with the fact that we are alive each day, the future unfolds infinite possibilities before us and not lose ourselves in the madness of the day?
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Weekend? C'mon this has to be a good year. Weekend just started and weekend was damn good!
Last night went to have some hookah in the freezing cold, and hell no, happiness can also be found in a cup of hot mint tea. Yeah, while everyone was puffing away on the hookah, the cold was creeping everywhere, and dammit my legs were actually numb. And the mint tea took so long to come. But it was good, it was all good in the end.
If the weekend ended there, it'll be good, but I just came back after 'frolicking' (word used loosely) in the snow in Washington Square Park where all the squirrels are hibernating with my roommates and a 6'1 model. There was ice in my hair and I was pushed face first into a snowbank, but yeah, the snow felt soft and cushy but damn cold. Anyway, then it was pizza, and back trudging through the foot-deep snow and finally when we got back, I watched Harold and Kumar Goes To White Castle, and I guess now I have an epiphany to write. Therefore I shall.
Life is good? Yeah, life is good. It's still snowing, hmm... more fun in the snow tomorrow.
Last night went to have some hookah in the freezing cold, and hell no, happiness can also be found in a cup of hot mint tea. Yeah, while everyone was puffing away on the hookah, the cold was creeping everywhere, and dammit my legs were actually numb. And the mint tea took so long to come. But it was good, it was all good in the end.
If the weekend ended there, it'll be good, but I just came back after 'frolicking' (word used loosely) in the snow in Washington Square Park where all the squirrels are hibernating with my roommates and a 6'1 model. There was ice in my hair and I was pushed face first into a snowbank, but yeah, the snow felt soft and cushy but damn cold. Anyway, then it was pizza, and back trudging through the foot-deep snow and finally when we got back, I watched Harold and Kumar Goes To White Castle, and I guess now I have an epiphany to write. Therefore I shall.
Life is good? Yeah, life is good. It's still snowing, hmm... more fun in the snow tomorrow.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Did you see an Olsen twin?
Where?
Over there?
By the black Yukon with the Cali license plate!
Oh my god!
I saw an Olsen twin!
A good start for the year? OSTOT III a success!!
Where?
Over there?
By the black Yukon with the Cali license plate!
Oh my god!
I saw an Olsen twin!
A good start for the year? OSTOT III a success!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Moral code. I hate the word moral code. It sounds dogmatic and permanent. Sort of like the Bible. And no, for everyone out there, the Bible is far from synonymous with the moral code. I refuse to get into a theological argument with all of you out there. My beef for now is with the issue of a moral code.
What the hell is this moral code that everyone is suppose to follow? What is a conscience and what is good and evil? How the hell would I know? I'm not quick to condemn, I try not to judge, but why does everyone else do the same?
Damn that stupid moral code. There is no moral code. None at all, so leave me alone!
What the hell is this moral code that everyone is suppose to follow? What is a conscience and what is good and evil? How the hell would I know? I'm not quick to condemn, I try not to judge, but why does everyone else do the same?
Damn that stupid moral code. There is no moral code. None at all, so leave me alone!
I am taking a course on World Cultures: Russia this semester.
I am amazed at the course. Again this course reminds me that America does not know that there is a whole larger world out there. Blatant, undeniable fact. Here be dragons somewhere in the east and we are surrounded by communists on two fronts, while our European "allies" still face the Soviet threat. China is but a communist country which provides cheap sweatshop labour for WalMart and give a Chinese anything, and they can turn it into imitation Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton handbags.
But this course about Russia just reveals that there is a whole different culture out there and the only thing that makes America sit up and turn this study of Russia into an academic subject of massive proportions is because these Russians have nukes just like America, but they are ruled by madmen like Stalin and the Kremlin. What really does amaze me the most is that instead of understanding another whole different culture out there, acting as the melting pot of the world and having cross-cultural exchanges in a bid to understand, Sovietology is born and a whole generation or two of academia sit by studying the Soviet Union from afar and constantly second-guessing the Russians themselves.
Perhaps I'm critical and unaware of the effects of the Cold War, born into a sheltered part of the world which was forgotten by two warring giants, but somehow I wonder what does this class hope to teach? A better understanding of another culture and life? Or whether they are gonna nuke America tomorrow?
I am amazed at the course. Again this course reminds me that America does not know that there is a whole larger world out there. Blatant, undeniable fact. Here be dragons somewhere in the east and we are surrounded by communists on two fronts, while our European "allies" still face the Soviet threat. China is but a communist country which provides cheap sweatshop labour for WalMart and give a Chinese anything, and they can turn it into imitation Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton handbags.
But this course about Russia just reveals that there is a whole different culture out there and the only thing that makes America sit up and turn this study of Russia into an academic subject of massive proportions is because these Russians have nukes just like America, but they are ruled by madmen like Stalin and the Kremlin. What really does amaze me the most is that instead of understanding another whole different culture out there, acting as the melting pot of the world and having cross-cultural exchanges in a bid to understand, Sovietology is born and a whole generation or two of academia sit by studying the Soviet Union from afar and constantly second-guessing the Russians themselves.
Perhaps I'm critical and unaware of the effects of the Cold War, born into a sheltered part of the world which was forgotten by two warring giants, but somehow I wonder what does this class hope to teach? A better understanding of another culture and life? Or whether they are gonna nuke America tomorrow?
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Sure, it's so like me to have weird dreams every so often, like getting a message about finding my destiny and I have to go to a place of great mystery and power guarded by the ancients. So I set out on my brave journey, encompanied by a bodyguard of giant strength and physical prowess, then arriving at this great place of mystery and power, which happened to be the corner of 8th and 5th. Anyway, lying on the street there was a CD containing my destiny. So basically, I mucked around and went to this room full of clones, and that's when it got too ridiculous that I had to wake up.
Who could predict what happens five years later? How would promises made five years ago measure up to the events that unfold today? I wonder. Who would have guessed five years ago I'd be where I am now? What does the future hold?
I have been told prophecies of quite a number of people I know. From what I see, they are guesses about the future. Yet I wonder about the validity of the guesses. Would this all be true? I wonder whether destiny is shaped like a boomerang, no matter how far you throw it, it always comes back to you harder and tougher than before. And you never know how's it gonna go, just that when it comes, you are least expecting it.
Anyway, I'm that age now where, in the words of a Jar Jar Bings-like irritating idiot on my ChatterBox would say, "21 dude! It's the time of your life! porn and voting~!"
Apparently that is all some people think of.
21 is sort of that age where "With great power comes great responsibility" but then, there is just nothing for me to do that is different from what I did when I was 20. Do I feel old and cranky? Not any different from a week ago. Somehow we'll just see where on from here. Coz I can't imagine what is gonna happen tomorrow.
Who could predict what happens five years later? How would promises made five years ago measure up to the events that unfold today? I wonder. Who would have guessed five years ago I'd be where I am now? What does the future hold?
I have been told prophecies of quite a number of people I know. From what I see, they are guesses about the future. Yet I wonder about the validity of the guesses. Would this all be true? I wonder whether destiny is shaped like a boomerang, no matter how far you throw it, it always comes back to you harder and tougher than before. And you never know how's it gonna go, just that when it comes, you are least expecting it.
Anyway, I'm that age now where, in the words of a Jar Jar Bings-like irritating idiot on my ChatterBox would say, "21 dude! It's the time of your life! porn and voting~!"
Apparently that is all some people think of.
21 is sort of that age where "With great power comes great responsibility" but then, there is just nothing for me to do that is different from what I did when I was 20. Do I feel old and cranky? Not any different from a week ago. Somehow we'll just see where on from here. Coz I can't imagine what is gonna happen tomorrow.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The final hours are counting down and ticking away. The moment is upon humanity. The culmination of 21 years, now the rebirth and rapture. Silently in the shadows, has bided its time, and now the moment of victory is at hand, the coming of a new age and the remaking of the world!
The pieces of the puzzle has been set, the wheels of destiny have been turning for a millenia, cranking endlessly for this one moment. The foundations have been laid aeons before there was even life, all of the universe has prepared for this one moment. And it is now at hand. The immensity of raw power terrifies yet lures. What happens after this singularity? No one could imagine, for the universe has only fashioned destiny to this point. Annihiliation? Peace? What brings with it is uncertain, but there would be a great change that refashions everything for better or for worse.
And nothing can stop it now.
The pieces of the puzzle has been set, the wheels of destiny have been turning for a millenia, cranking endlessly for this one moment. The foundations have been laid aeons before there was even life, all of the universe has prepared for this one moment. And it is now at hand. The immensity of raw power terrifies yet lures. What happens after this singularity? No one could imagine, for the universe has only fashioned destiny to this point. Annihiliation? Peace? What brings with it is uncertain, but there would be a great change that refashions everything for better or for worse.
And nothing can stop it now.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
San Francisco was good. It is the kind of place that is not too chaotic, decently clean, nice public transport. I know there is nothing as iconic as the New York subway, but then there's also nothing as filthy or expensive.
Anyway, it was very interesting, especially visiting other colleges to see and compare. So far from what I see, other universities do have some semblance of a campus life, whereas for NYU, well... there isn't much of a campus to start with, and life requires huge wads of cash, which I lack either, therefore the logical conclusion is that I have no life right here. And food in San Francisco? Much better, more Asian flavor than New York. Of course, since in San Francisco, there is a large Asian population. With 51% of the population as non-Caucasians, I guess there is a lot more to eat at a whole lot cheaper than in New York.
But hey, I guess I'm a tourist, that's why San Francisco seems better and safer. By the way, San Francisco is a lot safer than New York. Mainly because after coming back from San Francisco, I ended up in the neighbourhood of Harlem. But anyway, the more important thing is that California has a guardian known as the Governator! Say no to girlie men!
Anyway, it was very interesting, especially visiting other colleges to see and compare. So far from what I see, other universities do have some semblance of a campus life, whereas for NYU, well... there isn't much of a campus to start with, and life requires huge wads of cash, which I lack either, therefore the logical conclusion is that I have no life right here. And food in San Francisco? Much better, more Asian flavor than New York. Of course, since in San Francisco, there is a large Asian population. With 51% of the population as non-Caucasians, I guess there is a lot more to eat at a whole lot cheaper than in New York.
But hey, I guess I'm a tourist, that's why San Francisco seems better and safer. By the way, San Francisco is a lot safer than New York. Mainly because after coming back from San Francisco, I ended up in the neighbourhood of Harlem. But anyway, the more important thing is that California has a guardian known as the Governator! Say no to girlie men!
Sunday, January 09, 2005
It is my solemn wish to tell all you people that although you haven't heard from me in about five days or so, I remain regretably alive and well in San Francisco having a time of my life with food, chicks and fast cars. I am sorry that I have to disappoint all of you as such, especially a dudette who have so wished my tortuous demise. Will be back and resume blogging soon, coz if I die, I'll definitely let everyone know.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
MTV is tainted. Corrupted. Twisted. Warped beyond recognition. It's kinda disgusting that they only play one genre of music nowadays, and I struggle to even acknowledge that such "songs" can be even described as music. It pains me to listen to such noise, with pointless lyrics on sex, drugs and alcohol. When I think of what the 'artiste' is trying to say in the song, I am seized by an impulse to go out there have a hot chick 'play with mah joystick', 'pop a cap in da gangsta' and 'get high'. After all, this is the sort of decadant lifestyle sang, cherished and idolised by the music that is called hip-hop or rap.
I know of a guy who would want to rant about the degradation of self when listening to this genre of 'music' but I can't help it when I see MTV polluted with such trash.
I guess the first thing I should poke fun at is the fact that most of these 'gangstas' and 'artistes' have the spelling ability of an eight year old who have just learnt to curse. Ludacris? Eastside Boyz? 2pac? I guess I draw the line when people start using numbers in their names. How smart do you got to be when you start talking like that, just coz your 'peeps' talk as such and you use it as a language to be understood by everyone and marketed to deprived, wannabe teenage social rebels who want to embrace the world of sex, drugs and alcohol but have to suffer the 11 o'clock curfew imposed by their parents.
There is a complete lack of self control or moral guidance shown by any of these 'artistes' as displayed by not just their music and their video clips, but also their flamboyant, wasteful lifestyle and wanton sex life which very much like convicts in an all-men prison after 10 years. And guess what? Some of them really are ex-convicts and convicts. Wow, big surprise there. Mostly on drug charges. Excellent celebrities who would be models for today's teenagers. I know most of them don't want to be role models for socially rebellious stoned teenagers, but guess what? They are the ones paying for your richly corrupt lifestyle.
I am wondering whether someone would bust a cap on me or pop me with a good one after typing this out. I have no regrets. I just read Socrates' speech before the Council which judged him guilty for corrupting the youth of Athens. Yeah, he was arrogant in his tone, he was condescending of the Council before him, but hey, just goes to show how some people reject some ideas just because they don't like it even though those ideas are far closer to the truth then their own misguided minds. But it doesn't matter. I had thoughts about whether I would survive to my 21st birthday. I could never imagine myself as an adult. Maybe I am not meant to be one.
Hip-hop/rap music is irritating. It just is. The pounding bass is good, but only if there is music accompanying it. The lyrics would be good if firstly it made sense and secondly if it had some meaning. Somehow I believe that yeah, such 'music' is good, only to remind me what is actually bad music. But to overplay it on MTV? Really? How many people do actually listen to it besides socially rebellious teenagers who are pissed off with their parents who tell them to go to bed and try to look cool. Give me rock anyday. Marilyn Manson sang Rock is Dead. Well, rock is dead. But give me rock anyday over some 'try-to-be-cool-wannabe-gangsta-rap'. Long live rock!
I know of a guy who would want to rant about the degradation of self when listening to this genre of 'music' but I can't help it when I see MTV polluted with such trash.
I guess the first thing I should poke fun at is the fact that most of these 'gangstas' and 'artistes' have the spelling ability of an eight year old who have just learnt to curse. Ludacris? Eastside Boyz? 2pac? I guess I draw the line when people start using numbers in their names. How smart do you got to be when you start talking like that, just coz your 'peeps' talk as such and you use it as a language to be understood by everyone and marketed to deprived, wannabe teenage social rebels who want to embrace the world of sex, drugs and alcohol but have to suffer the 11 o'clock curfew imposed by their parents.
There is a complete lack of self control or moral guidance shown by any of these 'artistes' as displayed by not just their music and their video clips, but also their flamboyant, wasteful lifestyle and wanton sex life which very much like convicts in an all-men prison after 10 years. And guess what? Some of them really are ex-convicts and convicts. Wow, big surprise there. Mostly on drug charges. Excellent celebrities who would be models for today's teenagers. I know most of them don't want to be role models for socially rebellious stoned teenagers, but guess what? They are the ones paying for your richly corrupt lifestyle.
I am wondering whether someone would bust a cap on me or pop me with a good one after typing this out. I have no regrets. I just read Socrates' speech before the Council which judged him guilty for corrupting the youth of Athens. Yeah, he was arrogant in his tone, he was condescending of the Council before him, but hey, just goes to show how some people reject some ideas just because they don't like it even though those ideas are far closer to the truth then their own misguided minds. But it doesn't matter. I had thoughts about whether I would survive to my 21st birthday. I could never imagine myself as an adult. Maybe I am not meant to be one.
Hip-hop/rap music is irritating. It just is. The pounding bass is good, but only if there is music accompanying it. The lyrics would be good if firstly it made sense and secondly if it had some meaning. Somehow I believe that yeah, such 'music' is good, only to remind me what is actually bad music. But to overplay it on MTV? Really? How many people do actually listen to it besides socially rebellious teenagers who are pissed off with their parents who tell them to go to bed and try to look cool. Give me rock anyday. Marilyn Manson sang Rock is Dead. Well, rock is dead. But give me rock anyday over some 'try-to-be-cool-wannabe-gangsta-rap'. Long live rock!
