Warning! The following post is extremely long and boring.
I would like to start with a short foreword that whatever I am going to say that may and would offend some people and though I would try not to mention names as far as possible, I encourage those not to read this closely. In fact don't read this at all. This is just for record so that my memories, no matter how bitter would not be forgotten.
The year started out with me returning to Singapore to further my studies. It is not the best of situations, and I am far from pleased with where I have ended up. Given the choice I would have left Singapore, and today, if I had the choice again, I still would leave Singapore despite the good things that have happened so far. The year opened up with starting in a new school which I never foresaw I would go. Disappointment is the catchphrase here. And anger. But then I resolved not to sweat about it, and I recall my exact words was, "To be as open as possible, as enthu as possible and have as much fun as possible without worrying about myself." So that's how my year began. I began by being as loud as possible and tried to meet as many new people as possible in my new boarding school. Though many may disagree about my actions, I have no regrets. It would be a lot easier for me to hide in my room and not embarrass myself. I might as well regret meeting the people I've met.
Notably the first bunch of friends I had was those who were in my new school, as we were all in the orientation group. It was fun and enthusiastic. I got to know people I never would make an effort to know, I was participating, encouraging and a part of a bunch of strangers who barely knew each other. Somehow, there is only one of them I keep in touch with regularly enough. The rest have drifted off into the background to become part of the sea of grey. Though this is sad, there are no regrets, I knew them and I had fun with them, but we aren't destined to walk the same road.
Another thing was other people I've met who has stayed with me for the first year. I remember clearly the starting of the tradition of throwing people into the pond on their birthday. It was a good beginning to a cheerful and wet year. There were lots of algae, lots of splashes, lots of noise, we are only lucky we never got caught nor had any accidents happened. There is a whole bunch of people I've met whom I am really close to today. I only can wonder how long such relationships can last. Would it be over once I leave?
In the first term, the first thing to look forward to was going back home for Chinese New Year no matter how short it was. It was only three days, but it provided a brief respite for me to escape school. It was definitely something to look forward to. During this brief trip back, I get to meet some old friends who was about to embark on their journey of tertiary education to Australia. One of the angst I have is that everyone I knew is either going to Australia, New Zealand or Kuala Lumpur. Only one sole idiot in my old class would go to Singapore, and it has been a lonely trip so far. So I said more than my last goodbyes, and there it was, the next time I returned to Malaysia, there were no more friends to see. Everyone has left the nest.
However things were not all that bleak during the first term. An old friend who left for Australia two years ago came to Singapore and visited me during the last week of the term. "Visited me" is a very loosely used phrase here. He had other purpose for his trip, but being a good friend and all, it was good, and it provided comfort in a totally new and alien place. Though I have been to Singapore for 2 years already, I was in a new school with new people, in a new hostel. So that concludes my first quarter of the year, where I went back to Malaysia for a short holiday.
The second quarter of the year wasn't so bad, except that my time was filled up with a certain issue called International Games Day. It was a bitch. Organised by a bitch. I was merely a pawn with loads of expectations and work piled upon me. And furthermore it was against my will. There was no way I could say no to my scholarships officer. And thus grew my distaste for paperwork, bureaucracy and any organisational form of work. My day would end late about 10 pm sometimes, I had to skip dinner occassionally and all I got for my pains was nothing but a sense of relief when it was all over. There was no sense of satisfaction nor pride. It was a job that needed to be done, and it was performed with much grudge.
Above that, there were a few other things that I had to organise, and though it wasn't as bad as the International Games Day, it simply meant I had to take charge of something. I would not like to say I had leadership skills. I simply did what I could and did what needed to be done. With a lot of help, certain dances were organised and performed. It was not pleasant, and I was relieved to see the end of organising anything. I relinquished whatever leadership position that was in store for me. It was not because I was arrogant or snobbish, but rather because I was sick and tired. Sick and tired of having to convince people to listen. It made no sense why I had to do it, and if the dance itself was its own reward, yeah right.
However the term opened up with another orientation day which totally killed my interest to study. I was all geared up to study and then there came this useless week where I had to do nothing but play games to make other people fit in. Well it was a bust, I wasn't all that prepared to have fun. Well it was pseudo-fun, and it would not all be that enjoyable considering that the first major exams were coming up in the third quarter. So that was it for the third term. I guess I really have to thank my seniors for all the encouragement that they have given me through this trying term. Thank you.
The mid-year holiday passed unevently.
Then the third term was all about the common tests, our first major exams. People did disappointingly and my results weren't all too good. It was because of too much playing during the first six months. But other than that, it was a wake up call to start studying. This quarter, I was also graced with the First Coming of a friend, as so he termed to call it. He came back from America, and we had many chances to meet up talk and catch up a bit. I await somewhat the Second Coming. The third term was somewhat relaxed as I, myself, tried not to involve myself in anything that required commitment, which was just about everything. However the year-end major exams were coming up and I had not much time to prepare. Truthfully there were a lot of frustration prior to that, and though I was suppose to be serious and all, it was slack.
Intermitten during this time was a lot of pain and anguish. I shall not elaborate painful memories. But this serves as a private personal reminder.
The fourth quarter was the important one, where the first half dealt with the major exams. It was all studies. Nothing more needed to be said. Though I didn't work hard enough, I got good results. There is this guilt that I did not do enough. The second half, everything learnt during the year was forgotten. Lessons became slack and though I was suppose to go for the Physics Olympiad, my disappointment was there because of certain quotas. I am pissed off. This is unforgivable. Anyway, then there is next a lot of having fun and fooling around. I was then suppose to start working on my school magazine. Though it wasn't exactly finished when I left Singapore, I did put in a lot of effort from going to school 4 days of 5 during the school week and trying to complete it. And this time because it was by my own choice, I had a sense of satisfaction.
During the holidays I made my way up to Kuala Lumpur. The trip itself was uneventful. I discovered in Kuala Lumpur there itself is limited things to do, limited placed to go and finally things aren't that great when you don't know how to drive around Kuala Lumpur. Though I blew a lot of money there, it was a good enough short trip. Enough time to celebrate a friend's birthday. In fact the first birthday I ever celebrated without throwing someone into the pond. There are many stories of people getting thrown into the pond. This time we just lacked the pond.
Upon arrival back home, I am reminded why home is the best place to be. It is a sheltered place, where one cannot get hurt, one can hide from life's problems and one can ignore the world outside. Though my old friend from Australia is back, we did stuff together, involving lots of fuel wasted on pointless car rides all the way up to Sejingkat, Rurouni Kenshin and a lot of crap. I feel that I am not that close to anyone else back home other than this guy and another girl. So I only made it a point to go out with them. Today, well today is my last day here in Malaysia before I go back to Singapore. I have no chance to update this blog before I go back because I have no Internet access there. All I can say now is that this year is concluded. And though a lot of things have happened, and though I tried not to regret a lot of things, there are still regrets.
This year has brought about tremendous change, and I guess it serves as both a model and a warning for my life next year. I did set out this year to have as much fun as I could. Well next year, I do resolve to study as hard as I can. And also become emotionless. Somehow, I just want to focus on one thing. To get out of here.