I have hurt someone I cared about very much. Somehow this makes me feel like total crap.

I don't know why I care, I don't know why I'm nice, I don't know why this person matters so much to me. All I know is that she is the one I truly care for. And I just had to hurt her with careless words and a bad mouth. And when she cried, I felt that I somehow have disappointed her. I promised myself never to let her cry again. When I am the cause of her tears, I feel I have failed beyond measure.

Redemption. I wonder how can I ever redeem myself. I wish to redeem myself, in her eyes, and in my eyes. To know once again that I am capable of being trusted and trusting again.

Somehow please, forgive me, because I think I can never forgive myself.

I have not have time to do anything here. I would just like to say, well life really sucks when you don't have the Internet.

Somehow, strange things have happened over the past two weeks, an old acquaintance renewed. It gave me a lot to think, and I am filled with as much doubts as well as hopes. Somehow I do not wish to think too deeply into the matter, yet somehow I feel that there is more beneath the surface of appearances and not everything is as clear as I would wish to see. A lot of things I found out, has provoked much thought and really made me think who my friends really are and how much they have done for me. Everything is vague to me unless I am told specifically to my face.

Its just that I am not sure anymore. I have not thought about this, and somehow I feel I must put some futile effort into this endeavour. Conflicting ideas. Conflicting thoughts. Tension of opposites. So many ways to describe this. Like Mitch Albom said in his book, Tuesdays With Morrie, there is always a tension of opposites like a rubber band. And who wins? I don't know the answer.

Anyway, I wish my friends would tell me to my face what they did for me. That way I can appreciate them more. So please, don't blame me for my ignorance, nor stupidity, nor naivette. Just blame me for me, that I cannot understand and see things the way you are, and give me a chance to learn.