Look, forgive me for being a party-crasher and a wet blanket but I hate Christmas!!

Okay, I feel the Ebeneezer Scrooge personality taking over, but serious, there is good reason for hating Christmas. I'll slowly take you through some possible reasons for hating Christmas.

Christmas is a pagan holiday

Who ever said Christmas was the day Jesus Christ was born? Well I know enough that this wasn't the day, and that 25th December was actually just some pagan holiday in Christianity to celebrate something. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, just that I think we got the entire concept wrong about the baby in the manger plus three white dudes who go, "Hey dudes, think we got a live one here."

Christmas is a marketing scam

Santa is a big fake. His toys all bear some logo from some company called Mattel, so in exchange for all those toys which he gives children for free, he offers slave labour from all those elves up in the North Pole who were enslaved and taught to fear the bigger people. So Mattel agrees to give Santa the rights to manufacture their toys on the condition that his toys must be sub-standard and break no later than seven days after distribution, where then the parents are forced to replace these toys with the originals in order to placate their crying toddlers.

If Christmas is all about the spirit of love and hope, somehow I do not see the point of gift-giving. Neither do I see a point of having Christmas sales giving discount prices to all those stuff which they couldn't get rid off for last Christmas. Somehow it becomes a big marketing scam that I only love you if I give you this expensive diamond tiara bought from this jeweller selling it at discount prices. I love children that is why I buy only original Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels Racers for my cute and adorable nephews and nieces. Yeah, I'm a cynic.

Christmas is a fattening period. Period

Look at the weight those turkey, ham and pork roast will put on you! Nuff said!

Christmas is a hassle

Look at the stuff you need to do prior to Christmas. Send Christmas cards, do Christmas shopping, cook Christmas dinner. Not that I cook, but just the idea of going out there and fighting with hundreds of other crazed Christmas shoppers somehow does scare me off...

AND THE FINAL GOOD REASON FOR HATING CHRISTMAS IS....

The Endless Christmas Carols and Songs

Go to any shopping complex, and they would undoubtedly be playing some Christmas carol over the speakers. I counted hearing the song Last Christmas by Wham, seven times in one day, while cruising around in a car, going to the shopping mall and wherever I go. There is only so much a person can take EVERY YEAR.

And yes, Jingle Bells do get irritating for the umpteenth time.

I'm a grouch.

How you remind me of the Naja nigricollis nigricollis. Your words pour the venom literally into the heart with every word meant to hurt, injure, maim and kill all at the same time. I don't understand why you are such you are, I don't believe it is in your very nature to be such a cruel creature.

Just have mercy sometimes. I think you are too cruel upon yourself and others. And you should not blame me for being as fake as you think I am. I tried hard not to be hypocrite. I tried hard to live up to my words. I tried hard to be as honest and open as possible. Maybe this is one confession too many. But there is an honest feeling of care and concern there.

Go ahead, spurn it away. That's what you always do. That's what you are so adept at doing. Hard as stone, cold as steel. These phrases do describe you for a reason. Human contact is a way to break that stigma, that conception and that mindset. But you remain cold and hard. You do no justice to the phrase, no man is an island.

You seek understanding on your part. I seek redemption on my part. And between the two of us, I believe I have the harder job. You see, I have not yet forgiven myself and would not even after you have.

Headache, earache... I hate flying AirAsia.

Never mind, my gripes come later when I'm more sober.

I haven't really sat down and talk about choice or chance. These two abstracts seem to be so distant from each other, but somehow, our lives seem built upon these two.

Chance is when an event just happens, which is beyond the control of anyone. Chance is when something unintentional happens, and things just happen. Chance is when there is just luck or fate or just that mystic force behind the universe, pushing people along in their daily lives to meet their destiny. Chance gives people the element of surprise, and is this wickedly nice twist in life. Chance is when the lives of two people cross and they meet.

Choice is when a decision or promise is made. Choice happens when people have the power to decide. Choice happens when people want to change the present and create a future to their liking. Choice is when the uncertain future needs a moulding hand. Choice is about changing the status quo and inadvertently changing fate. Choice is when two people decide to be friends and more.

Choice is also about deciding whether to accept emotions or not. Choice is about whether to deny that feeling, or accept others with open hearts and arms. Choice is the greatest power a person can have. The reason is because we can choose whether to love another person or not.

Between the two, I value choice more. Chance is all about things beyond our control, and I feel that fate is not all that fixed. Situations are out there happening all the time, and coincidences do not just happen for the sake of coincidences. If everything happens for the better and if everything happens for a reason, then there is no such thing as fate. There is an overall grand scheme of things, which we all do fit in. But then, there is choice. We have the power to change our fates and we have the power to make things happen. I believe in choice, and I believe I have chosen.

I do what I do because I chose to do what I believe in. I am going to accept everything the way it is now. Although the situation is far from my liking, there is little I can do about it. There is a special place in my life for you, and I would rather you be there, close and near. This gapping empty blackness just somehow seems not right. There are many people who are suppose to be part of my life, but are not. I cannot have everything the way I want it, but at least I did fight for the things I want. I chose to do what I did and I am going to do what I chose because I choose to live and cherish.

Perhaps you should too.

If there ever was this choice to be made again, I would make all the same mistakes again. It is like the Oracle said in The Matrix, "We have already made our choices, it is now a matter of understanding why we made those choices." And I would go through it all again because I have no regrets of the way things are. That is how I want to live my life.

Even as the yellow marigolds fade to grey,
And the life of the meadows lead to a standstill,
All that remains is the last beams of sunrays,
And of course, well, the dying swan song of the day.

Seeking closure in all things, for everything that has a beginning has an ending. Though the ending may not end, "... and they lived happily ever after" life is no fairy tale.

When the year is ending, and there is only like one week left to the year 2003, I am feeling nostalgic. This has been a year that cannot be forgotten. Many things happened, and I would like this year to have a great ending. One with a bang, boom, and not necessarily a ball of fire, but yeah, just one ending that makes this year all too perfect.

I don't know what I am looking for. Motivation I guess. I need motivation to do something. Nothing inspires me anymore and I have no inclination to work for anything. All I undergo is this daily monotonous regiment of just basic every day things.

Have to come up with a list of things to do by the end of 2004.

Yeah, and I need a girlfriend.

Let go... let go... learn to let go.
Never ever hold onto your hopes and dreams,
And grasp them with all your might,
Like a pathetic man clasping at air,
Trying to keep from drowning.

Though you might be waving,
I know not how, I can see,
You seem to be drowning,
Grasping on for dear life,
In the deep blue sea.

Anyway, no matter hopes, dreams or love, nothing should be hold on tightly for you might suffocate and kill it. For everything crumbles, you just need to care for it. Apart we might be, sadly, but nothing should be grasped forever. Live and let live.

I was thinking. Harry Potter has to be fictitious. There is no possibility that the book Harry Potter is in any way, partially true. I shall attempt to argue this from a philosophical point of view, just to disprove one aspect of the series Harry Potter as a counter-example that this children's book is nothing more than a modern day fairy tale.

Consider the Veritaserum as introduced to us in Book 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. According to Professor Snape, the Veritaserum is the most powerful Truth Potion in the world and would cause the user to splurge all secrets regardless of whether they try to conceal it or not.

Now we shall analyse what is the truth. The truth, I define as, factual and discernible by the five senses, i.e. tangible and different people looking at the same thing, would come to the same conclusion, and this conclusion is the truth. For example, hallucinations are not true. Not real. They are intangible, because the person who hallucinates can only see visions, but untouchable. Dreams are also intangible. So is the boogeyman and Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy. Something tangible is something that affects an object with mass. This is a better definition, because else we would have to dismiss gravitational field lines as pure hallucinations and we have successfully broken the law of gravity.

With the proper definition of the truth, now I shall attempt to show that this Veritaserum does not exist. Assume that I feed this Veritaserum to anyone, then I ask them, "What is the meaning of life?", now think of the possible answers that I might recieve. One, I might recieve the user's truth. This truth, I call it, the smaller truth. Imagine, you saw an alien, but then I saw a weather balloon. The truth, to you, is that you saw a UFO and aliens are coming to invade Earth. We can't blame you for thinking that, because you cannot be sure. So therefore that is your truth. So if you were fed Veritaserum, you would say that you saw an alien. However there is a second truth, the greater truth, that what you saw was in fact a weather balloon.

What then? Does this mean that the Truth Potion actually let you tell a lie? Well it might not be a lie to you, but then it would be a lie to us. The smaller truth contradicts the greater truth.

If the smaller truth was allowed to over-ride and answer the question, then we have to conclude ignorance is a big factor. Ignorance is allowed. Therefore we are allowed to plead stupidity and ignorance in every court case. But this is the smaller thing. If such a incident happened, then we have to conclude that the truth is relative. It is relative to the person, the greater truth does not exist, or is less important than the smaller truth. Perspective is more important than reality. Further implications is that if I hallucinate and see that every chick in the world I see is pretty, then it does not matter what you all think, because I'm seeing all the hottest chicks in the world crowding around me. That is the truth. So if I think you are pretty, it doesn't matter whether you think otherwise or not. This is the truth and there is no arguing with me. Therefore a lie would have been told. Veritaserum has failed.

But look at it the other way, what if the greater truth over-rides the smaller truth? This would mean that you would answer that you saw a weather balloon although you thought you saw an alien craft. This would also mean that when I ask you when did the world began, you would be also able to give the correct answer, because you have to answer the greater truth. Therefore there are no more unknowns in the world. Is there a Loch Ness monster? Do aliens exist? Is there a god? All these would be answered simply. Which now brings the question, where did all these answers come from? All from that little bottle of Veritaserum? And where does knowledge come from if no one has discovered it in the first place? Is it possible to know things from a bottle which no one has ever known before? How is it possible that knowledge would be gained all from that sip? It is possible that the truth was infused into the serum first, but then consider that someone must know the truth before being able to infuse the truth into the serum. Knowledge must be prepared beforehand and cannot be created from nothing. Knowledge must be gained by applying oneself in the outside world and not by sipping cocktails in classrooms.

Therefore, what can we conclude? Either way, Veritaserum fails or reveals the secrets of the universe which no one knows in the first place. It bestows god-like knowledge or is a pathetic fraud. But we know from the Harry Potter book, that it works. It works because the author said it will work. Because that is all fiction. If both possibities contradict the initial parameters somehow, therefore the only conclusion we can come to is that Veritaserum does not exist.

How can we come to a conclusion? Consider the unstoppable object colliding with an immovable wall. The end result is the annihiliation of both objects because any other possibility would violate the initial parameters. If Veritaserum cannot show a valid conclusion or at least an acceptable one, then therefore there is no valid conclusion and Veritaserum does not exist.

Because Veritaserum does not exist, therefore this is just one aspect of the world of Harry Potter which is purely fictitious.

I'm on a journey of self-discovery! Or so I would like to say.

But somehow, sitting at home and staring at the idiot box does not seem like an adventure of self discovery. But I was thinking of fate, choice and chance, and how our destiny is written in the stars. I would so hate to surrender my fate to the unseen powers that are playing with us like pawns in the great chess game of life.

There is nothing written in the stars. Somehow I am so completely unconvinced that my date of birth has something to do with my temperament and life and destiny. Since there are 6.2 billion people alive on this planet, by sheer logic, therefore there's about 17, 000, 000 million people born on the same day as me. This is assuming a uniform distribution, and although there are more people born in June, July, August and September, my assumption is valid to a significant extent that all 17 million of us will not fall sick and should not avoid ladders all in the same month. Neither is a distant acquaintance going to call us all in the same week and renew old friendships. Horoscope, so far is baloney. There's nothing in the stars. Except for lots of hot gas like in horoscopes.

I just know that there is no way that anyone can say that my future is written. Look, there is this interesting set up called the Chaos Pendulum. I have no idea how it is set up, but I just know it exist, and you don't have to have blind faith to trust me on this one, but its out there and you can find it yourself. Anyway, the thing is its path of oscillation cannot be replicated perfectly although the starting position of the weight and the room conditions are the perfectly identical. This illustrates that the future is unpredictable even though the trials have been done before. If the sun has always risen since the beginning of time from the east, who is 100% sure that the sun will rise again tomorrow in the east?

It is interesting to note that there is no word for coincidence in the Jewish language. They believe that everything has been planned out for them. So the future has already been written. This is almost fatalistic and like giving up on life. If I chose to be a bum, but my destiny says that I would become a millionaire and own my own television network, then who wins? There's no point in doing anything now, because someone has already written it down in the Great Book Of Life.

No, I seriously believe the future is out there for us to mould. Now, the present, wasn't made by men who said that it was God's will; it was shaped by men who envisioned a future they would like to live in. There is no fate, because we make our own fate. Just as there is no life, we make our own life. Everything wasn't handed to us on a plate. There exists choice in the world. Choice, which we may have made as in The Matrix, or choice that we are going to make.

There may exist coincidences, but it all does not matter. What matters most is that we are given the power to choose, and we must choose to exercise this power. Lets not leave everything to unseen powers and give up on life.

Boredom is a state of mind. I have no mind, therefore I am not bored.

Okay, well so here goes.

I HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE!

Yeah, that's my gripe for today. I so utterly despise cigarette smoke especially if it gets so blown directly into my face. It stinks, it smokes and it has this lingering smell on your clothes which gets oh so disgusting.

Its not about the fact that second hand smoke would blacken my lungs, its not about the fact that I would have hypertension and heart problems, its not about the fact that nicotine is highly addictive. Screw the medical facts, its so completely not about that.

Its just about the simple plain fact that if I ever wanted to breath in smoke, I would just stick my nose up my car's exhaust.

Look what I got from my Inbox!! This is so good.

A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS

With all your honor and dignity - what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking... By giving an honest answer you will be able to test here you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous.


You're in Florida... in Miami, to be exact...

There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all the flooding...

There are huge masses of water all over you....

You are a CNN photographer...and you are in the middle of this great disaster....

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water...

Nature is showing all its destroying power... and is ripping everything away with it...

Suddenly you see a man floating by on a log... He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud...

You move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar and, somehow, important...

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him away, forever...

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo... a photo displaying the death of a very powerful man...










And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Will you take the photo in black and white, or colour?

ArGH! No! Save me! Someone save me! I'm addicted to Neopets!!

Today I watched a strange video clip. It was a video clip on how pigs, chickens and ducks where raised for the main purpose of being slaughtered. Pigs born since birth had their ears clipped and tails amputated, then raised in pens which were just large enough for the pig to stand and these animals cannot even turn around. They are constantly fed some sort of grain diet and live in squalid conditions. Some pigs had wounds which fester so badly that flies blanket the wound like some sort of fuzzy patch. Then when the pigs are old enough, they are herded towards the slaughter house where their throats are slit and then they struggle around for a bit and flop around on the floor in death throes, before their bloodied bodies are dragged through the sprinklers to wash away all the blood.

Then the chicks had their toe cut off, then their combs trimmed, then some had their upper beaks cut off. Then there was the usual mix of chemicals injected into the chickens. Then of course there were the usual squalid conditions where the chickens were molting, yet no care was given to them. Living amongst their own excretion and faeces, the chickens had no place to go as they were contained in small 1-foot by 1-foot cages. Very little attention were given to the conditions, only the eggs laid and the meat harvested. And when the chickens were fattened up enough, they all lined up to have their throats slit, and before their lifeblood ebbed away, they were thrown into a hot churning vat of water to remove all the feathers. Finally all that comes out is the yellow skinned carcasses ready to be shipped to the markets.

One thing I found disturbing about the movie is that in the middle of the night, a truck drives up from a dark road and then all the pigs are squealing as they are being herded onto the truck or people coming in and picking up chickens by its feet then tossing them simply into baskets. Then the animals are driven off into the dark night, where no one sees or hears them ever again. At least in recognisable terms.

This somehow reminds me of the Holocaust.

Dear Will,

How have you been? How is Sopphia? In case you even bother to ask, I'm in a perfectly okay condition over here. Perfectly okay in the sense that it is now 3:47am in the morning and I am suffering from insomnia, for the first time since I got back. I wonder if it was something I ate today, which resulted in this screwed up state I'm in.

But on to the matter of this letter. While lying awake on my bed, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know you probably fear the outcome when I start thinking, but lucky for you, the extent of my actions is only limited to as far as waking up and creeping down the stairs at 3:47am to type out this blog. No, I am not going to buy guns and bombs and go on a killing spree as you would think. No, I would not kill in cold blood and perform virgin sacrifices so that I can go back to sleep. To a large extent I just want to say what I have to say. I know you read this quite often, so I just hope you read this.

I guess I know what's been troubling you. Despite your silence, your problems are really quite so easy to read. Never have I seen you troubled over anything else but that one matter. I know what it feels like, and it feels like betrayal. It feels like everything you've believed in is wrong and that you have been lied to all these while. It feels really wierd and you have absolutely no control over anything. You cannot do anything, think of anything and change anything. Its the feeling of being lied to which hurts the most.

And though you seem to get along life with a strange acceptance of things and believe that this is God's will, you still hold on to past memories and dwell on your sadness. Memories are like potpourri. Nice, fragrant and decorative, but essentially dead. Memories are of the past, good to cherished, but bad to hold on to. Grasp a handful of potpourri and when you hold on too tightly, it crumbles to dust, leaving you with nothing but a fleeting fragrance.

I wished things should not end the way it did for you. Perhaps the events should have happened only after everyone left. Perhaps events should not involve such parties. Perhaps events are nothing more than temporary, and that soon you'll find yourself with her again. But this is all wishful thinking. Honestly, if there were such things as justice in this world, you would be spared the pain. Though, some people would rather they benefit, even at the cost of others. Or maybe especially at the cost of others. For now, you know who your friends are.

Let go and move on. That's the only thing I could say. Let go and move on. Maybe you should return to the past. I strongly urge you to return to the past, to look for what you once had and cherish it once more. Return back to the distant past, longer than you and I can remember together. That's where you should go, because there you have hope. What you had then has far from died, and has not yet faded nor ended. Be at peace with yourself. Distance is not a factor. You don't know until you have tried and this is something worth trying for. Find happiness once again and sing once more.

Yours,
RavenHawk

Enough! Please! Enough misinterpretations about the Matrix! Its a good movie! I insist! Look, I'm sure everyone is wondering where the hell did Agent Smith come from, and why did he return. So I guess I just have time to explain this one big nagging questions.

In Matrix, Agent Smith was clearly destroyed by Neo. Annihilated. Killed. Murdered. Whatever you call it. The fact is, he was destroyed. But then in Matrix Reloaded he came back. Why? Because he was meant to. He is an agent of the Matrix. He is the policeman which protects the Matrix from dissidents from Zion. He is the "good guy" meant to put down a rebellion. He is suppose to stop Neo. But he failed to fulfill his purpose before he died.

So, the Matrix tells us that we are suppose to believe in ghosts, wraiths and werewolves. Agent Smith is a ghost, returned from the dead to fulfill his purpose, which he recognises as destroying Neo. Neo is a threat to the Matrix, and Agent Smith is to eliminate that threat. Therefore, he came back stronger and more powerful. He has changed. Like Agent Smith said, "I am the result of the equation balancing itself." in Matrix Reloaded when he met Neo for the first time since his death. This simply means, that he is the anti-One. With the birth of The One, there must be an equal and opposite force, namely the anti-One which is suppose to bring balance in all things. Well yeah, that's for that.

It is one thing to note, that in his course of saving the Matrix, he destroys the entire Matrix all in a bid to destroy Neo, the supposed threat to the Matrix. Anyway, yeah, well that's a suggestion of how and why Agent Smith came back. Rather than thinking of him as a program, Agent Smith is a program with almost human qualities. Therefore, how can we deny that these machines have souls, and these souls do come back and haunt us, even way after their demise. So that's one of the wierd things in Matrix explained.

I was sitting down, as usual, and started thinking. Usually I sit down to think, but then I also do lie down to think. Anyway, basically I just got down to think, when I started daydreaming.

Suddenly I was standing on this yellow brick road. Literally yellow like the colour of well, yellow. Then I was walking down this yellow brick road, (No I was not singing or whistling or humming) then I passed by this orchard of apples. There was this one guy picking apples from a really tall ladder, and on the ground were bushels and bushels of apples, all ripe and red and crisp. As I walked by him, I heard him grumbling,

"Must keep apples, must keep apples, must keep apples."

Being naturally irritating and inquisitive, I asked him, whether I could have an apple. He suddenly turned around and perched on his ladder like a hawk and glared at me.

"No you cannot have these apples! They are for storing!"

I asked what was he storing them for. He looked at me disdainfully and explained in a patronising tone.

"These apples are for the future, in case there is a calamity, or a flood or a drought or something! You can't just eat them like that."

I looked back at him defiantly and said that I was hungry and I could do with an apple.

"So what if you are hungry? I'm hungry too. I haven't eaten for five days. These apples aren't for eating. They are for a rainy day. For the future. Don't you get it? Don't you even think of your future? What kind of person are you? Get lost and don't waste my time! I must prepare for the future.

What a rude little bugger I thought. So I scurried away leaving the strange man who refuses to eat all those lovely apples around him. I thought this guy was being ridiculous. If he wasn't going to eat his apples, he could have at least given me one. I wonder what was he saving it for. Maybe it'll all go rotten before he has eaten any.


While walking on through the orchard, I chanced upon another man, sitting down at the foot of a tree and lying around him were apple cores. I approached him and asked him if he could spare an apple.

"Sure, help yourself if you can find any. *BURP* I think I ate most of it."

I looked around and saw the mess of apple cores lying all around. And while I gazed around, the man released this horredous earth-shaking belch. Somehow, I doubt I could find even one apple around here. I asked him whether he had kept any apples somewhere.

"What for man? Eat today, because tomorrow never comes! See man, live for the moment, because there's only now."

I asked him what if there were no apples tomorrow, and what would he eat. He looked back and me, shrugged and closed his eyes.

"So what man? So what? When that happens that happens. Shit happens. When it comes, let it come, I'll think of something then..."

But, but... I started, but my words fell on deaf ears as the man has dozed off into his afternoon reverie. I looked hopelessly at the guy and walked on. As I walked on, I suddenly just laughed at the two men, and shook my head in disgust. Then I spied a bright red juicy apple hanging from a branch right in front of me just at eye's length. As I reached out to grab it, suddenly I heard,

"An apple is not an orange, unless it has been a banana."

It past by me, like a fleeting shadow. Flash of light. Then the ground trembles underneath me. Then suddenly the couch I am lying on gives a lurch and throws me onto the floor, which rises up into the black sky. The clouds start to swirl into a vortex, and there I was on the pinnacle of this mound of earth reaching towards the sky, with the black abyss surrounding me, and this churning storm. Suddenly, the eye of the storm opened, and a ray of light fell through and illuminated my face. And I hear in my head,

"An apple is not an orange, unless it has been a banana."

Suddenly I felt myself falling as the ground disappeared beneath me, that ray of light gone in a blink. I screamed as I fell, and I hit the cold hard floor of my living room. What a profound dream I just had. The experience was so soul-searching and enlightening that I feel... I feel... I feel hungry.

I was just sitting around thinking, as usual in deep thought. In the dim light I stared off into the deep mysteries of the universe with my mind's eye, trying to discern the truth that lies hidden in the dark. The question writhed and twisted in my mind, like a convulsing, thrashing fish, slippery to grasp. And I just can't put my finger on it. And I stare all this while into that void, pondering...

Should I go out today?

2003 Annual Report of Events
Written by RavenHawk

The year 2003 was a really quick year with one great pinnacle in November known as the GCE A levels. This great pinnacle is no less a test of strength, endurance, commitment and sheer stupidity. It is perhaps the only reason for my existence throughout my years in Singapore. Therefore with this momentuous event fast approaching, this year promises to be the beginning of the end and the end of many things.

I've learnt many things throughout this year. And I guess when I did look back on those years, I did grow up. Not physically, my height seems to remain pathetically pathetic. But there is a bit of emotional and intellectual maturing. Starting with the first quarter of the year, there was no spectacular highlight. Everyone was sort of busy preparing for the first exams that we would face and that everyone was sort of engrossed with their own books. It was like hell, when you see students from hell and all they ever do is study. About three days ago, I met with my counselor and he had this complaint that the entire school only knows how to study, and that there is no grooming or character building in the entire school. There is no course that grooms leadership, nor is there opportunity to look beyond the textbook. There is very limited opportunity to do anything to really buff up a nice looking curriculum vitae. Besides that there is no way of encouraging loyalty to the school I belong and that once you are gone you are gone. There is no alumni thing, there is no pride nor sense of belonging. Its just a place to study.

In the first quarter there was the arrival of the juniors. We were all again seniors and this time it was our turn to terrorise the juniors. Therefore we did. The juniors proved to be very resilient and they took kindly upon the horror that we seniors inflicted upon them. And they picked up a tradition started by yours truly. They took it in great strides and started throwing people into the pond. And they took it further than their seniors ever did, because no one was ever spared. Therefore the baton has been passed along and that the first passing of the tradition continues. And it looks like a completely big success with something to last forever. One day, I hope, when I go back I would suddenly find a rule that goes, "Thou shalt not throw anyone, man, woman or animal, into the pond, wet or dry, clean or flilthy under no circumstances whatsoever." Then I would know that that rule was because of me. And it would be really really great, because the greatest way of encouraging kids to do something is to ban them from doing it.

Then on the 9th of February, tragedy struck and this event made me realise a lot of things. Namely who my friends are, and what I demand of people and of myself. Sometimes when I just sit down and think, it was nobody's fault but my own. I brought all the pain upon myself and I have myself to blame. Because I asked for it and although I hurt myself, I just recently discovered that it I were to go through the whole thing again, I would no matter how much it would hurt. Sometimes some feelings just can't be hidden and I feel unhuman for denying them. But anyway, there is much more to learn from this, than just the two of us. I've also learnt that when you don't smile, and shut yourself up behind a mask of stone and a heart of rock and earphones blasting away, everyone would avoid you. No one would reach out a hand, ask a kind word and show some sort of concern. I've learnt that somehow deep down inside, no matter how much you want to reach out in the dark and reach for a hand or a glimmer of light or a smile, you will still be denied and then if you cannot stand sitting around in the dark anymore, somehow you just want to end it all. People are cruel in that sense, they don't bother to help. They don't know when a person feels suicidal or when a person needs help. They don't know. Or perhaps to a large extent they don't care. That's when I realise who my friends are.

For the second quarter of the year, there is not much to report because all I ever remember is sinking into a mire of depression and completely shutting out the world. All I relied upon is two things, one, my deck of playing cards and two, my deck of tarot cards. I nearly lost my mind. That's all I remember. I read cards to know, to find out, to divine what you were thinking. And though the results were far from accurate, the three of swords and the ten of swords just kept appearing, I guess that this was really my nadir of the year. Just sinking into a black mire of no return.

Then there was return from me, from the brink of insanity. I could finally reach out from that black hole and then there was someone waiting for me at the end of it all. I owe a lot to this person who really was there for me, and did a lot of things for me. This is where I would really like to say thank you to this person. Though you gave really bad advice, and that you were so mean at times, I guess I really felt connected to you, that you perhaps did understand me a little. And though there are some things that you did for me that you need not even consider doing, I just want to let you know, that perhaps there is no such thing as owing anything between us. There is no debt to settle between us, no treats to repay or anything. I rather just between us that there is this feeling to be nice to each other, and to stay really good close friends forever. I won't give up on our friendship although you might have. Just don't use the heels. Oh yeah, and one day, I'll send you that ticket to America. Though I thought you would have prefered Paris.

Then in the third quarter, I came back. I came back, louder than ever, crappier than ever with loads of rubbish to make up for lost time. I lost my heart somewhere and I didn't care about a lot of things. I just want to focus on the pinnacle which lies ahead of me. And I just want to leave Singapore as soon as possible. I just so badly wanted to leave, now that I have left, I feel extremely sad and nostalgic. There were so many things that could have happened, so many people I could be with, that I could not help but really want to cry. But no tears flow. I wonder had I lost my feelings too. But then it was that way the whole way. I cherished what I had during this quarter, I resolved that I won't need to make any new friends, but rather keep the friends I have and keep them forever. Encase my friendship in an ever lasting state. But I learnt that if I hold onto something so much and refuse to let it go, then even roses turn to ashes and the toughest friendship would crumble. Therefore I wonder about how well everyone would remember me, but then the more I think about it, I sort of regret never doing more, but what more could I have done?

The fourth quarter was smooth sailing, and that I just wanted to look at my books. Sorry friends, no time for you people. No time for the Internet, no time to update my blog. I just remember that I was so busy with my university applications, and then I could not even find time for myself. It was studies all the way. Yet in the air at the time was this strange mood which was like really wierd. Its like I don't want to study. Yet I do. And the more I try, the less I want to study. So I sort of gave up somewhere. I can't remember what I did, only I guess I could have tried harder.

Then something unexpected happen. You came to talk to me. After 9 months of absentia and silencio, you suddenly showed up in my life again. I was far from prepared. I never wanted to talk to you again. I did not know why, but I hurt so much when you are around. That night, when you were with me, I'm sorry it did not last till morning. I'm sorry it ended too soon. But you left me with good memories. And I guess I will always treasure those memories. Someday, I do hope we'll meet again. There are times I just want to hold you close and never let go, and I know that's impossible. I just hope you don't leave me ever again. So be it if we have to remain this way and never be more than friends. I don't ever want to let you go again, no matter how much it did hurt me. Someday, you would find peace with yourself, and you would learn to trust someone, maybe me. But until that day, we'll just see what the future unfolds for us. I don't believe in fate, so I will come looking for you. No promises, but I will.

Finally, I also felt that leaving the people I know behind is so hard. I thank those who came to see me off for the last time. Parting is so hard, I just don't know what to say or what to feel. I guess the best is just say goodbye and nothing more. I will come find you all one day. Maybe you all won't remember me, but if there is that chance we can meet and find old friendships new and I am willing to take that chance.

Until then, this has been a year of trauma and happiness. It is also a year of infinite sadness, that is how I would describe this day. I'm happy with all the memories you all have left for me, and I am finally crying now that I guess this is the final conclusion to this year. We all would change. But we all won't forget. Thank you so very much. Thank you all. Thank you.