Excerpt from Story of My Life

...and so he took out his anger upon himself. Inflicting upon himself the same rage he feels, he believes that somehow he could redeem his own uselessness by his own suffering.

Stuck in this moment,
Encircled by a maelstrom of rage.

What can change the nature of a man?

I'm pissed. Confucius said some words of "wisdom" and screwed up my life for years to come. Perhaps it is now time to renounce all doctrines of morals, because all those who subscribe to a particular school of belief are as parochial and stubborn as they come. No, I have a voice and I will use it how I like. I will use it to defend my beliefs and my morals which were built by observing what happens in the world. My entire conscience was not based on scriptures or teachings or upbringings. Merely how I see myself, how I want myself to be seen, and what I want to achieve.

Just as I cannot understand the world, the world cannot understand me.

The reason I ask the question, what can change the nature of a man? is because no one ever listens and understands what I'm talking about. People say my logic is flawed. People say I have no morals. People say that I am as screwed up as they come. And it is not me who is screwed up, irrational or conscienceless. I am not arrogant, just confident. Why don't you take what I say? Why don't you do as I do? Why are you all so stubborn, stupid and self-righteous?

If my logic is flawed, you won't want me near your kids. If I am as screwed up as you say, I should be muzzled and bound like an animal. If I have no conscience, you are in my nightmares.

Why don't you try what I say? Why don't you listen to me? Is it because I'm young and unexperienced? Is it because I don't think or act like you bigots? Is it because I don't understand the entire situation? No problem cannot be solved. There is always a solution which no one wants to take.

I'm a bit sick of trying to convince people to think otherwise. Open your eyes? No, no, everyone wants them closed so that they see what they see. All relationships should be redefined as just a human with another human. Nothing special. Nothing at all. Everything else is just invention of the human mind. Simplify, minimalise. Step out see the big picture. Empathise, see from your point of view, the other person's point of view and the observer's point of view. Judge, but don't judge. Criticise, but don't criticise.

I am right. You just don't believe it.

Someone just commented that I am too old to think. Well this someone isn't exactly young either, having seen most of her teen years gone by in a flash, and now she sits around reminiscing her good old days back in school and all. Yeah, she's fast approaching the big 2-0 and well, yeah, never mind, almost there. Give or take a year or two. =)

Wait, so you're still reminiscing, and reliving the old days huh?

Let me tell you, little girl, reminiscing is for the old fogeys. Reminiscing is for the old people who sit in the park all day, feeding pigeons and watching the kids run by. Reminiscing is for the decrepid octagenarians who do nothing all day but compare grandchildren photos. Reminiscing is for senile people who sit in a wheelchair and wonder where life has gone. Reminiscing is for cranky old men who are trying to relive the best years of their life.

I am not that old, let me tell you, little girl. Why, I'm not old at all. I am still as fit and young as I was back in 1933....

I'm thinking what's it like to grow up.

Get old, change your beliefs, look at people shrewdly, being materialistic and cynical.

Somehow I think its a horrible process.

I have in my possession right now a copy of Unreal Tournament 2004.

This means that Ivan's now eating dust! Muahahaha!! C'mon, you gotta envy my system coz I can play at max settings! When I set all those settings to highest and max and extreme, there's this voice in the background that goes, "Holy Sh*t!" And that brings a satisfying smile to my face as I know, I have a kickass system. So, Ivan, you really gotta see this one.

Anyway, the game so rocks. With the addition of vehicular play, nothing brings more joy to a guy's face than driving a Goliath tank and lauching a large nice explosive shell at a small puny mortal and watch his body parts go scattering in 5 different directions. Also I get to hit and run over puny mortals and spray their blood all over my tyres. Then there's the launching of missles, and firing of plasma cannons and bring upon my unsuspecting prey weapons of mass destruction!

Hmm... right now the CIA should be busting my ass.

The only complaint I got so far is that I couldn't see the stats of my enemies. Granted Bloodrite challenge lets me pick new guys at a cost, but then I have no idea how to choose other than see which guy kicks my teams butt all over the arena. But heck, graphics are cool, I got motion sickness and I keep on playing. The flashes of light and the explosion of rockets do not disappoint. I need a bit more realistic blood and gore and horrifying displays of agonising death. That's what every vampire... err... I mean gamer needs.

Its good. Take it from me. If you ever need to take it out on the world, all your existential angst and frustration, and the fact that the guy just cut into your lane causing you to swerve into a ditch and your girlfriend dumped you for your best friend, and the electricity is cut because the mail came late, and you run out of gas in the middle of the highway, and your flight is delayed for 8 hours and 34 minutes, and all those other reaons for your pain and suffering, its just good to know, you can also inflict as much pain. =)

Thank you.

Overheard:

"Whenever I go out with a guy, my friends think I'm gay. Whenever I go out with a girl, my friends think I'm a womanizer. Whenever I go out with a bunch of friends, my friends think I'm having an orgy. Wonder what they think when I take the dog for a walk."

You know, with the elections and all, I am sort of intrigued by everything. Taiwan, Malaysia and America are holding their elections this year, or have held their elections already. Okay, fine, Taiwan had theirs yesterday, Malaysia's today.

Okay, since I am politically ignorant, I cannot comment on any political party, nor any election for that matter, only that George Bush sucks. So instead, I'm gonna talk about F1!

C'mon, who wants to read a stinking political post blasting foreign policies, mandates and referendums?

So yeah, Michael Schmacher won again. Again. And again. And again and again and again. Ferrarri seems off on a winning streak, though there might be strong competitors for second place. In the end of today's F1 race, Schumacher was ahead by over 5 seconds. 5 seconds to a man means fifty metres. 5 seconds to a car going at 300km/h means well.. just about 400 metres, almost half a kilometre. That's significant.

Sigh, here we are off on another boring F1 season. Perhaps the only highlight we could have is seeing who comes in second. But who cares about second place? No one ever remembers the second person. Gold medalists are enshrined in the history books, silver medalist go home with a mild reassurance that they are second best in the world. Yeah right, who cares whether you are second place. So in conclusion, F1 is gonna be as boring as ever again this year. Hmm... except maybe look out for the new tracks in Bahrain and China.

C'mon Schumacher! Time to move out! Let me drive for a change! I can beat your time. All I need is a Ferrarri. Trust me.

There are monsters in the shadows, there are monsters under my bed. There are monsters out the windows, there are monsters in my head. However the most terrible monster of them all, is hunched in the glowing light of the LCD screen, typing away furiously, banging, crashing. With beady eyes which are bloodshot with anger, red with hunger, crimson with hate, it grits its teeth in frustration and unfulfilled emotion. But it is a monster. Denied of what is humane, denied of human emotions, casted out and rejected, it is like a lesion upon humanity, removed forcible like a cancer and marked as dangerous and to be feared.

But in the least, the greatest monsters are those who stride the world with two legs and wield godly weapons with two hands. An insatiable thirst for blood and an even more intolerant aggressiveness to those who are different, marks the nature of this monster. For all its sins, its soul has already been corrupted beyond redemption. It puts on masks, and laughs to disarm before it strikes. Its words are sweetly coated with venom, its tongue never where its heart lies. It acts purely for selfish reason, its sole reason for existence is for the proliferation of self, to indulge in greed for its hearts content. The vilest monsters are those who are holier-than-thou for they are those who use the label, monster, freely to raise themselves to morally high ground and looking down with false pity, pretense sympathy and glorious victory.

I am a monster. I hate, hurt, revile, repulse, abhor, spit, scratch, denounce, blaspheme and curse. But I have redemption because I have a heart, beliefs, empathy and true intentions. I don't need sympathy or pity or protection. I am whole.

You, who pretend to be greater than me, holier than me, are so greatly mistaken. For it is you, who is lacking. It is the vilest monster who wears the kindest mask, as it is the devil who wears a trusting face.

Feeling rather poetic. Here goes.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I smell something bad,
Smells like you.

Hmm... not very artistic. But it was a try... never mind, let me try again.

Beans, beans the magical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So eat your beans with every meal.

Hmm... where did that come from? Ah never mind... guess I don't have the poetry talent.

I want my own island. You know, one of those lush islands, with a hill and cliff and a sheltered cove to keep my fleet of boats, jet skis, speed boats and other really unnecessary but cool watercrafts. You know, like a cave at the foot of the cliffs which is submerged with water and leads in deep, where there's a wooden jetty, and a long flight of stairs as well as elevator to my house on top of the cliffs facing west.

Why west? Cause I would want to sit somewhere on the deck behind my house watching the sunset, listening to the waves, strumming my guitar. Yup, that's just about it.

My house? Sorry, there's no garage. My Ferrarris are parked in a warehouse on the mainland next to the harbour where I'd drive my speedboats. 2 outboard motors, open ocean, wind in my hair. Should I get a seaplane too? Maybe.

Anyway, yeah, the island, uninhabited, small, maybe about 10 square miles. Maybe I'll get turrets with auto-guns to blast off intruders as well as water mines. I value my privacy that much.

So yeah, well just relax, enjoy life somewhere out there with no disturbance.

I pledge allegiance to the underworld,
One nation underdog,
There of which I stand alone,
A face in the crowd,
Unsung, against the mold,
Without a doubt,
Singled out,
The only way I know,

I want to be the minority,
I don't need your authority,
Down with the moral majority,
Cause i want to be the minority.
Minority - Green Day


People have allegiances. Its kinda funny this conclusion of mine that came up after I argued with my mother. Without digressing too much into my spats with my mom, I just want to talk about allegiances.

People have something that they ally themselves with, identify themselves with. There are three general categories of what peopl choose to identify themselves with. These allegiances are very important, and everyone has one. People would live and die for these. These are things people believe in so strongly, their whole lives are identified with these things and they are defined by it. People from different allegiances cannot understand why the other does and believe the things the other is doing. Usually, a society is formed from people who have a common allegiance, and anyone with different allegiances are seen as outcasts, mavericks and nutcases. Now on to the allegiances.

The first is most understandable. People ally themselves with a being of a higher power (read: God) and they believe, live and die for this idea. They feel that there is more to life than just existing, and there has to be a higher purpose. Its not about the beauty of the world or the wonders of nature which inspires ideas of a greater power. Science has explained those. Its about the feeling which life is meaningless, but life has to have meaning, and a greater power would give meaning to this life of people.

The second is also understandable. People ally themselves with themselves. They believe in no one else but themselves, and they tend to define themselves by the people around them, by the colour of their skin, by the type of their blood. Family is just an extension of self, so is race. A family is a part of you, as well as you are a part of a family. You believe that a family would do the same things for you because the same blood courses through their veins. Similarly, people can easily identify with themselves, their families, their race, their skin colour and their nationality. This is the second allegiance, marked by the physical boundaries, national borders, skin colour and physical differences.

The third is somewhat strange and unusual. Its an allegiance to ideals. Some people believe in love, some other people believe in justice, some people believe in enlightenment, some other people believe in democracy and blow up Iraq to set up another pseudo-democratic government. They also live and die for these ideals. Superheroes fall into this category. So do idealists, naive people and a lot of other people who do strange things. People who believe in ideals, are strangely disunited. They believe in their own ideals, and no two people see love, justice, world peace as the same thing.

So yeah, basically this is just another psycho-analytic post made by me because I have nothing better to write.

You know, I've learnt something really important that I thought I might as well post for those who just might be looking.

Okay, you might smirk and laugh at this, but it doesn't matter. One of the most important skill that a person ought to learn in life, isn't about being about to study for 14 straight hours, or being a total jerk and asshole, or able to do everything in the shortest time possible, or being able to please everyone, or playing the greatest chess, or looking upon the world with apathy, or having wonderful results by playing bass guitar all day.

Its about being able to laugh at yourself.

C'mon, take a step back, look at the lighthearted side of life and laugh. Laugh at all the stupid times you tripped on a table leg, or got thrown into the pool. Don't take too many things too seriously because in fact they are not. I don't get why people get so worked up about the smaller things in life which they claim to be so big that the whole world revolves around it. Wake up. The only thing that does matter is the moment.

And of course, if you can laugh at yourself, you can laugh at a lot of things in the world, and realise, nothing else matters.

Now what?

You know how the journey is more important than the trophy? C'mon think about it. What can you do with the trophy? Its nothing more than a representation of what you've been through. Its a farce and an overglorified piece of junk. Okay, maybe I'm grouchy. But once I've got the trophy I have no idea what to do with it. At least, when I was waiting, I was waiting for something, not sitting around and doing nothing like now.

Back from my brief hiatus.

I just recently watched the movie, Big Fish. I honestly thought it was a great movie that really connected with all the 'fish' stories out there. And in a way it really connected with me.

Earlier on, I was thinking about what the heck I would do with my life. I've just recieved my examination results and although I was experiencing the euphoria for the moment, when reality came crashing back, I realised that I didn't have anything to do with my life. It was like completely empty, I was uninspired and devoid of feeling. Maybe a bit emotionally constipated. But yeah, well it was like that, and I sorta was thinking what to do with my life.

I asked Erick and he said he wanted to play music. I asked Ivan and he said he's with God. So great, they got something to dedicate their lives to. I was just like an empty vessel. Then I was reminded in the end that I love to write. Write, may it be crap or truth, may it be lies or honest exaggerations of facts, may it be stories or figments of my imaginations. I want to tell stories. =)

I spent the greater part of that night recounting stories of our past, of the chronicles of Ivan and his daft escapades and other such funky stories. Then I requested to those listening to these stories, that they be passed on such that Ivan might become a legend with his legendary err... habits?

Then when I watched Big Fish that's when it struck me that stories are there for a reason. Stories are told, to open the imagination's eye and to satiate the curious. Stories are told to reminiece, remember and value. Then these stories live on, passed on by word of mouth or by word on book. Then we live on in these stories. Or we become these stories.

Okay okay, fine, I just have to make a long long complaint.

The reason being that everytime I log on, I think of something to write but then I have nothing to write at all. Then I stare at this screen blankly for hours before I decide to log out and go off because there is just nothing, nothing, nothing to complain and write about!

And somehow, I've run out of thoughts, run out of words and run out of ideas. Its like I am empty now. I have lost my thoughts, my ideas and my ability to talk crap and all that. I am just so dry that it seems pointless. My everyday existence has been reduced to that of a mindless automaton, just fulfilling my basic needs then being stoned and staring at the screen (television or computer) for hours and hours.

There is a purpose of work, as Karl Marx said. Work is to satisfy one of man's needs. It satisfy a certain sense of importance in a man's life. So it really plainly sucks that I have nothing better to do in my life. Sort of a pointless existence which just winds on and dwindles into a spiral sucking into the cold dark depths of non-existence.

And so yeah, somehow I just need to rant. Rant. Complain. Complain. Rant. No, wait, I don't always complain. But this so completely totally sucks. I need purpose.