2005 Annual Report

Like I do every year, I reflect upon the past year and whatever comes to mind, I just try to remember. It's more of an exercise where I just see what I can recall and highlight what is important to me throughout this year. For a lot of things, it just passed by normally, but then again we always live for the moments that take our breaths away. So basically that's just a condensation of these moments into one extremely long blogpost which is very much like an investor's prospectus; it's full of important data but no one bothers to read it.

I thank you for making it past that very cumbersome paragraph.

First of all, much of 2005 was spent in New York City, very far away from home of Malaysia. Technically Singapore doesn't really count as studying abroad, because the place still feels somewhat no different from home.

One of the first things I recall about the year was that people keep telling me that this is the coldest winter that New York has faced in years. So I suppose being here and typing this out, must mean that I have somehow survived the bitter cold, and am now in the midst of my second winter. I must again express my joy of seeing snow, but not of feeling it. This winter, it seems to me, feels like another one of those coldest winters that New York has experienced yet.

This year marks some sort of significance that I am to be 21 in this year. It meant my first year in adulthood, which in the words of Ivan, I should have celebrated it by buying porn and voting. But that wasn't what it meant to be an adult, at least I hope so. At least I know what Ivan did to celebrate his 21st birthday, which I kindly forgot.

But the most important thing of the year was my New Year Resolution at the beginning and this is the time when I sort of look back and see how have I improved myself in struggling to be "perfect." Sure, my New Year Resolution was faced with a lot of pessimism and negativity, much attributed to the lack of specifics; what does it mean to be perfect? But then again, I did think, I did ponder and I did "philosophize" and I suppose in that extent I hope I did grow a little wiser, especially with regards to opening my eyes to the everyday surroundings around me.

Perhaps, I'm a little knowledgable too, learning a bit more every day from unlikely sources, sometimes overhearing a conversation that begins like, "Do you know why dumbell waiters are called dumbell waiters?" On one hand it's a useless piece of trivia, but on the other hand I've learn a lot more about probability, especially the fundamentals and basics of it, and I am somewhat impressed of some of the derivation of some of the basic statistical functions there are. In the words of my professor, "You know you're a true statistician when you get excited everytime you hear the gamma function."

Then I think I might be a little more culturally enhanced, thanks to a friend's visit to NYC, in that in a way I could appreciate the Rennaisance artists more. But then again, I'm a noob when it comes to art and culture, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to learn something, to debate with the best, and to swear with the worst. That's how I always wanted myself, just to fit in.

Other changes I've noted in self includes a change in temperament, a tired relaxation and a calm acceptance of some things, though I still have the tendency to be flustered about things I can't understand. But I suppose this is part of growing old and being jaded. I don't seem to have any of that young passionate blood in me to fight for a cause. I seem to enjoy the status quos, but then again I found this really awesome quote on Wikipedia:

If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill the Buddha.
If you meet the patriarchs or the arhats on your way, kill them too...
Bodhidharma was an old bearded barbarian...
Nirvana and Bodhi are dead stumps to tie your donkey to.
The sacred teachings are only lists of ghosts, sheets of paper fit for wiping the pus from your boils

To me, the institutions mean nothing, the symbols mean nothing, the pens and papers and the lavish suits mean nothing; all that there is, is that one fundamental idea, an amorphous idea, only embodied by these empty shells. That is what it is to mean, that we do not worship empty idols instead of living ideals.

I gotta think more about perfection, and we see what happens. But the main thing was that to improve myself this year, and I don't really feel that much of a difference though. Perhaps I need more of a change, more of something different, maybe a new teaching, a new perspective.

Notable events in the year 2005 include first and foremost on my mind, a quarrel most bitter and vile with hints of irrationality and insanity. But then again, despite the external conflicts wrought upon by internal conflicts, most of the anger has subsided away to cede to a calm acceptance and reminiscence. However, I am still keeping my promise, being in London on Christmas, yet you'll never know.

Another thing was about going home for the summer after being absent from home for over eight months. I somehow feel sad that I wasn't actually anxious to get back home and though when I did, there was a restlessness arising from nothing to do. Though I did get a small job, it didn't feel like much, rather like one long extended afternoon of a lazy day of my life when I decide to do nothing.

However, perspective check was in order when I returned to Singapore. I somehow got the feeling that as time goes by, I'll return to Singapore less, and someday, not even look back at the events that transpired there. It has this fading importance for me, some time-erosion thing that feels almost like a noir movie. As I went back to Singapore, I keep using up reasons to go there, and someday, I hope never, I would have no more reason to return to Singapore.

But on the trip to Singapore, I guess people change. People change dramatically, over the span of a year, it's a wonder what the environment does to people. Many people have changed, and I sort of feel sad that perhaps the past is gone. But that doesn't matter now, everyone else is happy with their new lives.

I have a job now, and that is a step towards financial independence. It's a start, and someday, I'll be making more money than I'm spending.

But what is on my mind are the events that transpired the past week. To a large extent, I can't talk much about it, I shall scribble it in a notebook somewhere physical, but I wonder whether it is a recursion or progress? Do I sense a cycle? And what about the Guinevere factor that Icarus points out? And I find myself asking the question again, "What is love?" Perhaps this question needs a lot of review, I need to see my past answers and see what happens next. In time, perhaps, I shall understand. But my tentative answer for now is, love is infinite patience. My love is infinite patience.

And so, I suppose not many events has transpired in 2005, other than I'm on my way to being an actuary. My drinking habits are well under control. And I suppose I'm a bad drinker anyway; my bartender said so. Academically, everything is well on track, so with that in mind, I'm gonna make it on Wall Street some day. Everything else in my life is purely academic, so I shall not talk more about that.

With regards, I shall end with my soundtrack of the year. Thanks to the people who've recommended these songs.

1. Finite Simple Group (of Order Two) - The Klein Four Group
2. Birdhouse In Your Soul - They Might be Giants
3. Alien - Pennywise
4. Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) - The Arcade Fire
5. Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls
6. Who's Going To Save Us - The Living End
7. Open Your Eyes - Goldfinger
8. Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
9. In Flames - Man Made God
10. Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave
11. Good - Better Than Erza

Now I take my leave, my computer has been switched on for four months, it deserves a Christmas break, I adjourn to London, and I'll see you in the New Year.

You ever wonder why there aren’t any Chinese comedians around? Take a look on Comedy Central, they have a Hispanic comedian, a black comedian, an Indian comedian, yes the brown kind, but no Chinese comedians. You’d think that somewhere on this planet with over 1.2 billion Chinese, one of them could at least make a joke.

Or maybe we Chinese just aren’t suited for making jokes. Can you imagine a Chinese standing up and saying, “Let me tell you a joke!”? His boss would just go, “Get back to the sweatshops! Did I pay you 4.50 an hour to tell jokes?” Yes, we Chinese may be good in making those fake Louis Vuitton that you see hanging on the stores in Chinatown, but we don’t have a funny bone in our body.

But I can tell you what else we Chinese are good at. We are good at saving money! We’re about as good as the Jews when it comes to saving money. Ever see a Chinese woman bargain at the market? “10 cents for one egg? No, no, no, too expensive… I give you 5 cents. 5 cents, okay? And you give me one egg free.” And before the seller could reply, she turns to the person next to her, who’s also buying eggs and asks, “Hey, you want to buy an egg? Only 5 cents!”

But you may ask why, if we Chinese are so good at saving money, why don’t we open huge corporations like Goldman-Sachs or some other huge lawyer firm? Instead you see lots of Wing Chinese Laundry or Wong Chinese Takeout scattered across Chinatown. That’s because we like to spend it on two things: liquor and women. We use to spend all our money on opium, but that is hard to get now, and only people in Hollywood and rich NYU students could afford mind-altering drugs.

Liquor and women. Ah yes… how else could you get 1.2 billion Chinese? Liquor, the best invention to men, some know it as the liquid panty remover, others know it as taking all your troubles away, and most would know that it helps ugly people get drunk. After all, how did some of you get dates tonight? How much did you have to get her to drink before you brought her out here? See? She laughs! She finds my jokes funny. Now I know she’s really been drinking.

You see that’s the problem with America… you’re being outpaced by the Chinese. American couples and their 2.4 kids are still growing less compared to China and their one child per family policy. One child per family! And the Chinese population is outgrowing the rest of the world! That’s a lot of liquor and women.

Pretty soon, 7 out of every 10 people you know are Chinese. When you go to work, you have seven other Chinese carpool in one of those clown cars which is a lot bigger in the inside than the outside. When you go to your family reunions, you’d find that your mom, dad, sister, uncle and three cousins are Chinese too. Chinese would technically be the minority in America, but then again, the news might change, America elects a Chinese president. And soon enough, 7 out of every 10 American presidents are Chinese.

And you know what America should do about it? Forget the trade barriers or the embargos. That’s only going to make them Chinese more depressed and you know what they do when they are depressed? Yup that’s right… liquor and women. You can’t hold them back, they are there and they have the means to outnumber Americans more. So what we should do is beat them at their own game! The Senate should propose every Wednesday a national liquor day where all liquor is half-priced and no id necessary… yup, I know a couple of you came in here on fakes. I had a fake too myself… except it had a picture of a black man with a huge afro. It didn’t work too well until I said I’m the Chinese Michael Jackson.

But yeah! Spread the liquor, and spread the love. We’re gonna beat those Chinese at their own game, so people, turn off those tvs, light up those candles and start doing your patriotic duty. Good night!

Somehow I'm not surprised at all at this. I mean, racial violence in Sydney, Australia. C'mon, we could see it a mile coming. After all, there has been a lot of white supremacist sentiment in Australia.

I've been to Australia before and it is perhaps as white as the Bible belt of America. I've watched closely at the Australian politics when I saw Pauline Hanson, white supremacist and anti-Asian political party leader ran for elections amidst some general sentiment among the Australian populace. I read about Australia's immigration policy where they detain then deport refugees from Indonesia and other countries despite international scrutinization. And I watched as John Howard seems to encounter an issue concerning immigrants before each election, and took a hardliner stand to deny further immigrantion only to win the elections after. And didn't Australia also passed some law letting them do pre-emptive strikes in rogue nations which threaten their national security to? Doesn't this bring to mind Australia's Asian neighbours like Indonesia?

I am kind of amused that the Australian authorities stand up to say, "It's not Australian." No wait a minute, if this is not Australian, then who are these thousands of white young men rioting in the streets? Are they Australians? Isn't thousands a rather significant number of Australians who feel this way?

I find it completely ironic that John Howard is calling for calm and ethnic tolerance. He knows how to play the political migration laws card so well that that's the key to his political success.

Sure there are people who profess this is not the way it is in Australia. But me, as an external international observer just watching a series of unfortunate events unfold, can't help but feel any other way. There's always something about xenophobic Australia, and I suppose with such disdain and contempt for their Asian neighbours, and a desire to maintain their European origins, the good news is they will never face a racial riots on the scale of France; because they never let them in in the first place.

Temp Hiatus. I shall need to do my 2005 review, then see you guys in 2006.

Hah, like anyone reads my blog.

I just watched "The 40 Year Old Virgin" a movie which many people have recommended to me, apparently hinting something about my current state of affairs.

I wish everyone would mind their own business.

C'mon! I'm 55% of the way there! I'm getting there somehow, slowly, year by year, but surely going to end up with the same untimely fate as the 40-year-old virgin, and perhaps with a worse ending, because c'mon nothing good comes out of being a 40-year-old virgin.

Okay, Sue, I know you told me to watch the 40-year-old virgin, but c'mon! I'm not THAT pathetic.

And Erick, shut up before you decided post anything on my chatterbox.

The show was good, but it sort of makes me feel that a 40-year-old virgin is the rarest thing in the world. Okay, the show plainly disturbs me, it's an assault on whatever self-worth I have left. I shall not blog more about it.

Last night, my roommate and I were watching the Victoria's Secret Show, which comes across as quite risque, but what the heck. As hot-blooded males, we reserve the right to watch women strut down the runway, clothed in less than material than a sheet of paper.

It's rather fun to be a total jerk and asshole sometimes. We were just sitting there, rating each model that struts down the runway, and calling out numbers, on a scale from 1 to 10. And I'm pretty sure I gave a couple of 3s, 4s and a 1 or 2 somewhere. Yes, that is so sexist of me, and I am fully aware that if I rated most of the girls I know, they would have negative scores, and I'd be lucky if my girlfiend could be rated a 3. But that's what guys do.

Anyway, it was an amusing show if not for two things which spoilt it, namely Seal and Ricky Martin. Especially Seal. Coz I gave Heidi Klum a score of 8 when she came out, because she looked hot and sexy, however, just because she married Seal, I dropped it to a 1. Yeah, Seal, man, Seal... wtf man, wtf. Why marry him? Why?? Why???

It was a short show, really short, and one hour of semi-naked chicks isn't enough. But hey, some things really stand out, like how the stereotypical model image is still upheld, and for some reason I've noticed that there are hardly any American supermodels there. Hardly. I wonder whether it has something to do with America being the land of the Big Macs and Supersized Cokes.

I'm kinda surprised that this showed up on Prime Time. After all, didn't the Jackson wardrobe malfunction happen not too long ago? Whatever, whatever, no one can actually say that this whole thing is indecent. Trust me, it isn't. I remember watching the Jon Stewart show straight after. And he showed this clip of the Senate debating the indecency on television networks. And how this Christian conservative representative stood up there and said in the 1960s, there were good wholesome family values on television. And to which Jon Stewart replied, "Yeah, these values came from the same generation of people who decided that blacks couldn't drink from the same water fountains as whites."

I suppose that the whole Victoria's Secret show is kinda interesting. And educational. It's raising my standards in women after all. And if that keeps up, hey, I'll be more than just a fourty-year-old virgin soon enough.

Sometimes, sometimes... yes, Jason went to White Castle!! Woot! The pilgrimage! The journey! The adversity in the face of all odds, Jason made it to White Castle!! Woohoo!!

Time seems to pass by really fast right now that I have no idea exactly what day it is sometimes.

Perhaps it's something to do with the gravitons that are bombarding the planet's surface, and due to a certain change in flux in gravity fields there is a sudden burst of gravitational power which pulls things closes to each other, hence shrinking everything, but since everything is shrinking at the same rate, we cannot detect this shrinking, but since light is constant, we tend to see this as a conflict as light takes longer to pass between sources, so we must conclude that time is dilating and a lot more things seem to happen in our old measure of 24 hours, and that time happens to pass by really really really fast.

Okay, taking a break and a breather. I need to clean up my room. I think it's time to clean up when the mould in your bathroom starts glowing ominously and starts to take over the world.

The year's almost over, 2005's come and gone, I wonder what new things does 2006 hold. 4 weeks till the last day?

Gah!