The Minority Dilemma

Perhaps my political education has never matured. I am merely educated in the field of physical sciences and mathematics. Much has not been said about the political situation that makes up Malaysia, and I woefully remain ignorant of a lot of things. Particularly the ugly side of things.

I chanced upon a book, The Chinese Dilemma, which is actually a supplement to understanding The Malay Dilemma, a book written by Tun Sri Dr Mahathir, the ex-Prime Minister of Malaysia. I find myself in a position where I have much to identify with in the book, yet at the same time, much to contend with. I am after all, neither one of the old Chinese, nor do I find myself assimilated into a society that is Malaysia. How do I describe myself? I find that the best word here to describe myself is that I am a minority.

The word minority is devoid of all cultural and racial prejudices which plague both Malay and Chinese. I am neither, I am nothing, I am a minority. Simply put as that, if one is to divide and divide and divide society, one would always find me on the minority side of things. I am not just a minority of Chinese, I am a minority within the Chinese, and a minority within that, with respects not only to my social standing, but also my education, my views and my experience. I have told a friend once that I am always a minority, and no matter where I go, or what I do, I remain that minority.

What does it meant to be a minority? It means my interests are always last to be considered, and first to be expended. I am the second-class citizen, I am a sub-class of humans, and the words 'equality' and 'justice' and 'freedom' do not apply to me. My rights only extend as far as what others deign fit for me to have, I exist more for the solace of others, I am here as a coalescing force for the majority to exert their collective willpower upon in ensuring their unity, I am the enemy, I am the reminder what could be worse, I am alone, I am nothing.

One of the issues plaguing Malaysia right now is the "brain drain" to first world countries. I don't deny it. Every other intelligent person I know doesn't talk about going back to their homeland to make it a better place. They talk more about making it out there in the huge big world, they go out the door and never look back. I don't deny it is in my heart and on my mind, to ditch the land I was born in a heartbeat for a better chance out there. It all has to do with perception, it all has to do with what I feel I can achieve here.

Am I an unwanted guest in this country? I've always thought about it, that I am a person without a citizenship. I am treated like an alien, even in my own country. Dare I declare that no country deserves my allegiance? Treat me as such, and I shall react as such. I am a reactionary creature, I lack self-motivation, but once the infernal machine grinds its gears, there is no halting the end result. Such is a creature that I am.

I am a displaced soul. I can't call any place home. I belong to no one, I don't owe the world anything and I don't give a damn. I am simply a product of a society, of dysfunctional people. I am nothing more than that. I am tired.

a walk through the mangrove jungle

sometimes i am amazed by how far we've come. i squish through the muddy riverbank in my slippers, through the sucking glob of brown slime that burps with a pop whenever I pull my feet out of the gunk. where is the tarmac and bitumen that i use to know? i struggle to remember those times, while trying to make sure i don't lose my slippers in the tropical quicksand.

the events in the past week sort of run through my mind like an olympic track team; quick and breathless. i don't feel proud of the identity that i've been entrusted with. after all, an id card is just an id card. it just states you as a name, a name living at this location, and you aren't special at all, you are another number in a great big register located in some dusty file cabinet in some dark forgotten storeroom. just another number. where has the pride gone? i remember i used to sing a song to remind me who i am, but even now the lyrics turn to dust in my mind, a hollow echo of an indoctrinated past.

but this is just a part of me that is lost. just one part. i am like a star, shining brightly in the night sky, that i have flung myself to all corners of the universe that i have lost these parts of myself, leaving a core with i have never seen or known. somehow, i am just disillusioned with the things that are happening out there today.

today, no wait, two days ago, a boy was kidnapped, ransomed and murdered by a close relative. today people are still talking about the state elections, now all the dirt comes out; people are literally buying votes, 100 dollars apiece. asian markets still on a slump. iran really bent on nuclear armament. is this the world in which i have inherited?

my experience here in malaysia is exactly like my broadband connection; uninspired, interrupted. sometimes i think we're better back in the mangroves, without the daily hassle of life. sometimes i think we were only meant to look up at the stars and think of them as gods instead of huge spheres of flaming gas. sometimes i think that instead of sinking in our own muck, glob and spoo, we are now sinking in shiny metal, greenbacks and plastics. it's kinda hard to believe that a man in a suit is no different from a man in a loincloth.

slopping around the mangroves... there's no closer way to nature. feeling the mud ooze through my toes, thinking how icky it is, yet how cooling it feels. the mosquitoes buzz to welcome me and i think what a friend the mud is. i think maybe this is how it is meant to be... just walking knee-deep in the mud, through the mangroves, the glittering shades of light dancing around the leaves, and leaving kaleidascopes on the earth. this is how i don't want to worry anymore. i just want to see, hear, touch, feel, taste but not think. i've come a long way, we've come a long way, it's time to settle all our worries, leave them behind in the mud, where someone else would come along and step on them.

Shout!

Sing with your hate,
Scream at your fate,
Fight to the death,
Gripped to the end,
Dreams to defend,
To have and to hold,
Till you're dead and cold.
Hit with your head,
Blood on the floor,
Guilt runs below,
Hold till it hurts,
Hands full of scars,
Face behind bars,
Feel till it's numb,
Cry to no one,
Live on your knees,
Death knows no shame,
Spit on your name,
Laugh a hollow sound,
Dig a deeper hole,
Howl at the moon,
Bite at the flesh,
Tear off your face,
Strike at the rock,
Grind your own bones,
Hurl your own stones,
Anger after anger,
Out of love, full of hate,
No time to argue or debate,
Just act without thought,
Find what is sought,
Lost in the moment,
Whirl like a storm,
Smash the mirror,
Bleed your own hands,
Cut your own veins,
Yell with your lungs,
Throw words of thunder,
Turn your own back,
Leave your only road,
Go away to the heavens,
An offering to the gods,
Smirk your heartless soul,
Slaughter the lonely lamb,
Kick the bucket,
Stick the pig,
The world owes me one,
Undone against the crowd,
Helpless to change,
All I can do is,
Shout!