2006 Annual Report

Lady luck drives a hard bargain: one heart's desire for one year's misfortune.

This year proves to be a futile year for any endeavour I have attempted. I find a haunting whisper in my ear, "How does it feel? To be mediocre?" Perhaps the bitter taste of mediocrity doesn't haunt as much without the burning desire for ambition and the ability to dream. How does it feel to look at the stars and not be able to reach them?

The year began with a wispy aftertaste of light-headedness brought upon by imbibing a forbidden drink, I guess I let myself dream again. But then a quick brush with reality brought me crashing back down to earth, as realisation soon set in. But this wasn't a repeat of the seas of youthful emotion and the feeling of being wanted; the result was what I chose to be. I always liked New York because it was fast paced. I believed I am shaped by my environment, I become whatever my environment is like... almost chameleon-like. And I believed New York would make me become who I want to be.

Someone asked me, why do I like New York over Singapore. Truth be told, the two places could not be compared. One orderly and traditional, the other chaotic and breaking the rules. But my attraction to New York lies in a morbid fascination and desire to be something that I'm not. To put crudely in a comic-book fantasy, if the X-men, Rogue could absorb another mutant's powers by touching him, I could absorb skills, characteristics and social behaviours that are unique to the place.

That time, I decided, for myself that I wanted to be a workaholic. Truth be told, I failed at it, I work at too much a leisurely pace. In review of my past actions, I have a tendency to do things at a slow pace that will culmulate in a product before said dateline over a long period of time. But I wanted to be focused on work, I wanted to be career-oriented, I wanted to drown myself in ambition and become a machine.

The semester ended with deep frustration in unable to secure a living space for next semester, and perhaps a bleak outlook into the possible future. But even that was left hanging to be determined at a later date.

I guess when you're busy with work, time passes by like a haze. But the results of that semester was disappointing, and beyond disappointing. Summer however, was a pleasant time to take my mind off things and relax without a single thought of my life abroad. A brief sorjourn to West Malaysia, a whirl around Singapore and back, yeah... in the midst of a world class battle... between football teams. I think there's nothing like a good football match to take your mind off the mundane things in life. After all, there is nothing quite like seeing dreams come true. At least, it's an illusion that dreams do come true for regular people.

The other day I found a song that I suppose aptly describes me and this year. It's "We Are the Normal" by Goo Goo Dolls. The chorus, the only part I remember, goes like this: We are the normal/We live and we die/There's no reason why.

I suppose to those who wish they were normal have no idea what it means to be normal. Nothing ever happens, nothing outstanding anymore. Nothing to be happy or sad for, but just for each day more that passes. And somehow as the days drag on, and the hours become longer, I wonder if even existence is something to be grateful for.

The second part of the year, involved a transition and a year-long commitment to commute. Living in Brooklyn was a sacrifice that was questionable. After all, it was unnecessary, and mental notes are taken to reconsider certain aspects. I've always described New York by its air. New York has a smell of the day's garbage and the hint of cheap perfume. A trashy microcosm of the world that wants to look good.

I already said I wanted to be molded by New York. I guess I wanted to become better, I tried to make things happen, but abject failure is still a mild way of describing my attempts. In many ways, I've learnt the art of the Noh theatre, swapping one mask for another as quickly as possible, morphing characters on stage. If lies roll off my tongue easily, my moods alter as needs be in the situation. I've described myself before in a high-powered weeklong interview; I wasn't myself, forcing myself to be who I'm not. I had to know names and faces, I had to smile and greet and seem enthusiastic. I put up such a facade that I found it physically draining. I can't believe I did all of that, and I felt that if that kind of "enthusiatic networking" (read: vigorous apple polishing) is needed to succeed in life, then I am a contemptible failed imitation. Social Butterfly Disorder? I wish.

No, it does not matter, I watch in cruel and morbid fascination as I become something else completely different. I don't mind, it's a weird feeling, being detached from yourself, sort of like accidentally cutting yourself, watching the blood ooze and slowly documenting the very reactions and feelings going through my head. I don't know what I am right now. Or maybe it's just the lack of sleep I'm having tonight.

Somehow, I've just been more than disappointed in the way things turned out. Certain road tax changes in my own country, that are a mere snippet in the news, yet I protest, because there are too many cars on the road for too little people. Certain death sentence issues. Because I find it illogical that these steps are taken. It's odd. It doesn't make sense. Because it is such a hollow victory, after all, such events are quickly forgotten to the grim realities that really, no one has actually won yet and a civil war is raging on.

I compared countries to D&D characters with different alignments. I think maybe America and Iran are not so different after all. Don't we all pursue one thing? Law and order? I mean, we all want to create a lawful society. But a crime-free society is a society that can only be created without avenues of personal freedom. It's a tension of opposites, I never thought it would be possible to square off two virtues. Law vs freedom. To exercise total law, we have to take away total freedom. It is a sad consequence, after all, law can only exist as a compromise among people, and a compromise is an erosion of personal freedom. Because law is the only thing that provides certainty in life. Dare I suggest absolute law means absolute certainty?

I think in this uncertain times, people suffer from uncertainty. And I presume if the ends do justify the means, then any means must inadvertantly be good, even though we judge it to be morally wrong. Can an action itself be judged without the consequences? Should it?

Anyway, perhaps, do I get a second chance? To live this year all over again? I think I'm out of second chances. But I think, if I could go back and do this year all over again, I'd do it differently. That's regret, I suppose. A feeling I never wanted to feel. But it is human to regret, no? And I'm only human.

I've been described as normal. To my sore amazement, I am more normal than anyone else. I am just... normal.

This year, I only have one recommended song, which was mentioned above, I'll come up with a song list as soon as I reach back to my mp3 list. Live To Win by Paul Stanley is somewhere on it too.

Yeah, I think that's what I thought a while back. The purpose of life is to win. Somehow, I think I even failed at that too. But I guess it is a time to reflect on what it is to live, and why am I here. We're constantly plagued with that question, and with utmost respect, I believe that this is a question that cannot and should not ever be answered with any finality. Therefore after a period of time of not bothering with the question, perhaps 2007 is a time to retreat and rethink the way I approach things.

In summary, failures of the year include failure to capitalise on certain opportunities, and hoping too much for good things to happen plus inebriated with confidence of own abilities. Though these effects will certainly be felt into the new year, I feel that there should be winds of change coming and new tidings approach. I believe the coming year would be spent with much retrospection, as well as a certain wariness of one's own abilities, and an ability to dream small before dreaming big. Certainly my worries for 2007 are not as apparent as I let anyone know, but 2007 remains a turning point and a critical year. Never before have I said that any year would be as important as this one, and I believe that 2007 is the first year of my future.

I just wish I was lucky again. Or is lady luck a cruel mistress, spurned once and never to return?

Moderating Moderates

*Sniff* *sniff* I smell in the air, winds of change. A storm approaches.

I was browsing Amazon.com searching for literature to fuel my voracious hunger for knowledge. I haven't been reading for a long time, and I can't remember the last time I actually went through a fiction book. I find real life more enthralling than fiction, mainly because fiction books attempt to sound plausible, while non-fiction books attempt to sound implausible. A vicious irony I figured, after all, fiction writers create stories to make us believe, and non-fiction writers strive to cause us disbelief.

It's a strange thing, that we tend to believe fictional stories more than we believe non-fictional ones. It is true; we have the propensity to do this. How many true stories are dictated along the tones of disbelief and amazement that an event actually occured? How many fictional stories just meander around the edge of a writer's imagination, only to somewhat be set in a very realistic possibility. After all, all fictional stories begin in a believable setting like this:

One fine day, I was browsing Amazon.com, searching for a book that has captivated my interests: Liar's Poker.

Anyway, a non-fictional story would have certain unbelievable elements like this:

It is the fundamentalists who derive their power from the silence of the moderates.

So here, I begin my story, and I guess it is up to the reader to determine whether this is fact or fiction, or whether it even matters at all.


One fine day, I was browsing Amazon.com, searching for a book that has caught my interest: Liar's Poker. I guess it is a book that all finance students must read, the perversed captivation with the alien world of trading where dishonesty and lies are the tools of the trade, and the ever ringing battlecry "Cash is King" rings through the everyday wars to fleece profitable margins from unwary noobs to the whole investment game. It was a book that feels inhumane and heartless, it's about creating ridiculous amounts of wealth, through no economic enterprise, but only by the shuffling of papers, the clicking of keyboards and the exchange of cash. (Here you can dispute that the management of risk is itself an economic enterprise)

But that aside, I have comfortably settled on two books that I wish to purchase from Amazon.com and through some evil scheme by Amazon.com, they have effectively ensured that any two books I want to buy will always fall short of the required $25.00 to qualify for free shipping.

I was browsing the new books section when two texts caught my eye. The first one was "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins and the second one was "Letters to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris. Such books, symbolises salvos shots into the Christian camp, yet seems to be appeasing to their own side, preaching to the converted and receives many recommendations from their own camp, but not from the other.

I found it very hilarious, that the only people who recommend these books, are those who already believe what these authors believe. And those who don't, well... let's just say most of the reviews were either five-stars or one-star. Somehow, as usual, there was the, "You don't know God and God loves you still despite your ignorance" mantra plus the innumerable Biblical quotes.

But above all, I found great protests, of the form, "Do not associate me with the fundamentalists."

This line stinks of many things, and nothing favourable. I find this an uncomfortable exclusion of responsibility of which none of which actually belongs to the protestor, but instead, I find in the same paragraph, along the same lines of thought, there are 2.1 billion Christians and 1.3 billion Muslims. I don't see how one can disassociate themselves from the crowd, when they aggregate themselves as such.

And it is in this aggregation that they gain such power, the power of belonging to a group with similar beliefs. In a group, there is only one voice, only one leader, only one goal. Otherwise it'll be two groups, and you cannot aggregate two different groups as one, if they aren't similar along those lines. But I find it somewhat annoying, at the same time to disparage fundamentalists, and claim their actions as none of your own, then add their numbers to support your cause.

In my marketing course, in which I thought I would learn nothing at all, I've learnt about the omission bias. Omission bias is the tendency to judge harmful actions worse than equally harmful inactions.

The classic example would be this scenario. You and a friend are put into a room, and there's a button in the center. If you push the button, you'd die, and your friend will survive. If you don't push the button, you'd survive and your friend will die. Now sample a group as to what their response will be. Then switch the situation, if you push the button, your friend will die and you will survive, and if you don't push the button, you will die and your friend will survive.

Omission bias: If you don't do it, it's not your fault.

Omission bias: It wasn't me, I'm just a bystander.

Omission bias, and the following poem by Martin Niemöller:

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Inaction doesn't mean absolving of responsibility. Action, or inaction is a choice. And by choosing inaction, it is the silent endorsement of the rest of the non-fundamentals of the 2.1 billion Christian population or the 1.3 billion Muslim population that whatever the fundamentalists says, goes.

Aggregate thyself.

If we were to blame people with the power to change things, which don't change, then most of the blame, the bloodshed and violence, and the chaos and misery of this world, lies squarely upon those who don't speak up, the silent moderates.

The dividing fence is a very painful place to sit on. It's kinda like people trying to get the best of both worlds, but in the end getting nothing. I find it impossible to say anymore, that we should always take a fair and balance view of things, that we should never do things to extremes, and we have to be moderate in all our actions. When I see the world going to hell, and the majority frozen to inaction, I think it's about time, I hop off the fence and join the extremists. It doesn't matter which ones, it's better than sitting on the fence and doing nothing. Because doing nothing when you can do something, is the biggest injustice of all.