Despite all my rage, I am still a rat in a cage

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

- Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Smashing Pumpkins

Ever watched CNBC? Or Bloomberg? Or any of those financial channels? There's a standard that is common throughout not just the news anchors, but every so-called expert that they've interviewed.

Maybe it's a sign of things to come. I mean, why is it that everyone they interviewed on CNBC is a white, middle aged guy? I wonder whether it's some sort of stereotype there, or whether all economists or financial market watcher is a white, middle-aged guy. Or maybe it is just that the financial world is filled with white, middle-aged guys.

One of my old professors in NYU had the gall to say that her husband was complaining it was tough being white, because there were so many laws protecting minorities. I think I did mention it once before, but then again, I think her words so aptly disgust me. No wonder I got a B+ in that class.

But I hold no illusions anymore. I mean, I've been rejected after so many interviews that it matters little to me anymore. I just can't succeed. I don't know why. I really don't know why, and I'm starting to blame the things I have no control over, and it ends in a disgusting cycle of self-loathing.

But back to CNBC. Why is there a stereotype? I thought to myself how pervasive this is, and for all those huge authors out there who not just sell their books, but their image, they push this white guy image out there to the max. Look at Donald Trump? He is one of the few people who publish books with his picture pasted so clearly on the cover. And it feels to me that you're not buying anything of value in the book, but rather you're buying the book because it was written by a white man known as Donald Trump. When was the last time you bought a book with the picture of an author named Karpal Sangit Singh on the cover?

Somehow the white man image is there. It means something that I can't understand, nor can't project. I had a conversation with a friend about setting up a simple website offering basic financial knowledge on interest rates and understanding of the numbers in a balance sheet, cash flow statement and income statement. He told me that if the website was going to work, I would need to create a white man persona, adopt a white man's name and then my words would be taken seriously. Like how advice dispensed by Lim Gan Hong lacks credibility, but words written by Franklin Goldstein carry more weight than the computer you're using.

Heh, it doesn't matter. Maybe, just maybe I am not good enough. I've already gone through that so many times. Just maybe I'm not good enough. Yup, people who know me realize already that I have very little self-worth. So if one of very little self-worth could come up with these questions, then is it all merely just in my head or is there some truth to it? I tried opening my eyes, but all I see are people telling me to close them again.

The path between a dream and a destiny

When you start listening to others, and telling others what they want to hear, somewhere along the lines of that conversation, you are not what you are anymore.

That is the process of growing up.

Because no one ever wants to hear what you have to say. But rather what they want you to say.

Rarely have I met people I can be honest about. The usual people are those who ask for my opinions, pretending that they care I do have a sound mind. And when my opinions do not agree, I am judged. Wow, makes you kinda wonder, what is the meaning of an opinion then? And why do we even bother having opinions?

Even more so, I struggle with myself, and I wonder is there a point in arguing with people? After all, if I do change a person's opinion, then have I imprinted my persona upon them in some sort of bizarre evolutionary process like memes? Isn't it rather like the survival of the fittest idea? And if I fail to win an argument, which is 99% of the time, there could only be animosity between us.

So is there a point in arguing? Or is it a rather simplistic way in exchanging facts? But humans don't exchange facts. Humans can't exchange facts. Facts like "The sky is blue" carries a little taint of opinion, no matter how simplistic it is. Because there are a hundred ways to describe the sky. "Oh blue is the sky" or "How blue the sky is" or "Blue sky blue" or whatever stylistic ways that hardly involve changing the words. And I guess, there are only opinions.

But back to the matter at hand. There was once an experiment I described, where if a person wrote, referred and expressed himself as third person, and continued to do so for long periods of time, his writings would become sillier and incomprehensible. That is the loss of identity. And hence, why should it be any different if I were to express your opinions instead of my own? Just so that I'll fit a mold?

I don't know.

Okay, that was a little depressing. So I guess I'll toss in this little blurb here that has utterly no relationship to the topic above.

I recently got a laptop, and I'm enjoying the portability that it offers. So I decided to come up with a top five list of best places to use a laptop. And here we go.

5. At a coffee shop - Nothing beats having a hot drink, in an AC-room, tapping away on your laptop, looking busy to all the patrons, except that everyone knows that you're browsing Facebook and looking up chicks.

4. At a park - Okay, cool breeze in the air, basking under the warm sun, getting your tan on, while at the same time, checking the weather reports online, plus a humongous long playlist of your favorite punk rocker humming in the background. That sounds perfect.

3. At a bar - Once, I pulled out my laptop to play Risk on my computer at a bar. Highly entertaining, sure I got weird looks, but hey, alcohol and surfing the Internet just got a whole new feel to it. And yes, it makes people's blogs a lot more funnier.

2. In bed - I'm really spoilt. Last time, when I had a desktop, at least I had to get out of bed, get changed, brush my teeth, and then check my mail. Not today. With a simple reach of the hand, if I cannot go to my computer, my computer will come to me in bed. So I can check my mail, reply, look at the news and watch a little something on YouTube without even getting up.

1. On the throne of the house - Okay, I get it, not many people understand this euphemism. Every house has a throne. It is usually white and made of porcelain and everyone in the house sits on it some time or another. And usually after a night of heavy drinking and getting wasted, one usually spends a better part of the morning, hugging this porcelain throne and throwing his guts up. So why is this the best place to use a laptop? Hey, let me just say, if someone can bring in a newspaper to read on the throne for at least half an hour, imagine how much more time could be spent there, if he used a laptop instead.